EdgeofGloria

Gloria's Writing Fiction Again!

2011-08-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in nearly three months, but that's because (well partly) I've been writing fiction. That incident with that former acquaintance really pissed me off, and that triggered some inspiration for short stories. So I wrote six of them. With the advent of e-publishing, that means instead of thinking getting published is hopeless, it means that it WILL happen. Perhaps not like how I envisioned it, but at this point, I'm prepared to overlook the fact that one cannot have an e-book signing.

So I've been publishing excerpts of the stories on a short fiction website. Here is the website URL:

http://www.short-fiction.co.uk/member_profile.php?username=GloriaDcolumnist

I'm trying to sell the "sizzle" before the steak. Hence the excerpts. I'm trying to drum up interest for the e-book. I'm waiting on cover art suggestions from a killer artist that I know, plus I'm polishing the stories. Sometimes I think I'll never be done, because I keep revising and revising. Some of the stories are semi-autobiographical fiction, with some details changed. I basically took stuff that happened and said, "what if?" For the most part, it IS fiction.

And when the book gets published, it will be at a very reasonable price ($2.99 or so). I've signed up with Smashwords and looking at doing some marketing. I have no money, so I'm proofing, editing and marketing this all on my own.

I'm excited about this; I'm hoping I'll have some other fiction, and maybe some possible non-fiction up eventually.

The Mean Birthday Card, What I posted on her blog, what I SHOULD HAVE POSTED on her blog

2011-05-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

Don't Fuck With Me!

2011-05-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

I recently had a friend request on Facebook from a bully who made my life miserable 30 years ago. I confronted him about it (of course, he forgot that he tormented me) but I did get an apology.
There are adult bullies, of course, and I’ve had to deal with them too. Unfortunately. My most recent one was an acquaintance who happens to be best friends with one of my best friends. I see her maybe three or four times a year, but every time we get together, she has some sort of nasty remark to say to me. I’ve basically not confronted her about it until recently. I wouldn’t have said anything, except she posted an extremely nasty birthday card on my Facebook page. She didn’t send it in an email; she put it on my page so that EVERYONE could see it.
I usually don’t retaliate, but because of the apology from the bully, and because I was feeling empowered, I posted a picture of the Goodyear Blimp on her Facebook page, and said, “Saw this, thought of you. Thanks for making me look thin, in comparison.” She said she could take the picture down, but said she was going to leave it up, as a reflection on my character. I responded with something like MY character? You’ve had it in for me for years. I also left a nasty message on her cell phone.
Mind you, I usually don’t do this kind of shit. But posting a birthday card basically saying I’m going to stomp on your wishes, and then let them ferment, then drink them and possibly throw them up is fucking RUDE. And maybe it was a little immature of me to post a picture of a blimp, but the nasty birthday card sent me over the edge. Why did she post the card in the first place?
As a result of this, I bought tickets to Spamalot, because I’d had plans to go with her, her best friend, my best friend, and an old friend I reconnected with on Facebook. My friend already had tickets, but since I don’t want to sit with this woman, or ever see this woman again, I bought tickets for me and my old friend, since I want to enjoy the show without having to sit with this cunt.
Why has she had it in for me for years? Why the nasty remarks every single fucking time we get together? I suspect she’s jealous of the fact that I’ve accomplished a few things in my life, that I am a very creative person, but she’s probably most jealous of the fact that I DON’T weigh 350 pounds. She has been morbidly obese for the last 20 years, ever since I’ve known her. The past five years or so, she’s taken on a narcissistic, princess persona, with everyone on the face of the earth existing to serve her needs. It’s obvious she has a problem, because her Facebook albums feature picture after picture after picture after picture of her face. It’s pretty much the same pose. It’s all about HER. And the reason why she’s all wrapped up in herself is because she’s five feet tall and 350 pounds. She’s delusional about how hot she is. I guess if you like bowling balls with arms and legs, she’s the woman for you.
As much as I dislike her, I have to say she is inspiring me to exercise and eat better. Because what would absolutely make her crazy is if I lose weight and get a decent looking body. That would be the ultimate revenge, because, I could constantly take pictures of myself, and send them to her and say, “Eat your heart out.” A cruel thing to do? Perhaps, but to be honest, if you fuck with me, I will eventually snap and fuck with you. If she had just said “Happy birthday” like a lot of other people did, I never would have put that picture on her Facebook page, but because she was nasty about it, and because I felt emboldened by the bully’s apology, I let her have it.

The photos are the nasty birthday card and the picture I posted on her FB page. The one with her photo over the blimp is my own personal creation. I should have sent THAT one to her.

Backwards as Backwards Can Be

2011-03-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

I read something in the J-G about how a couple of city council members are really upset about the Harry Baals name controversy. I'd like to say something to them: calm the fuck down. It's no wonder young people want to leave this town. We don't have a sense of humor, and we are basically embarrassed about a dead guy's name. Oh, the HORROR! Listen: this town is full of hypocritical prudes. That's right, hypocritical prudes. Harry Baals has gotten FW worldwide attention, and instead of maybe making a video about the good things about this town (great library, cheap real estate, close to REAL cities, decent hockey team) the city's leaders hang their heads in shame, saying all the attention is "inappropriate, embarrassing" etc. We can't BUY the kind of publicity we've received. And isn't it a little strange that we are upset about a mayor with a funny name that got a shitload of votes, yet we aren't too concerned that we have an awful lot of strip clubs and tons of restaurants? No, we can be fat, we can have strippers, that's perfectly fine. But have a mayor with a funny name get recognition? Holy Monikers, Batman!

This town is Loserville. If you want to have a mundane job and head up to the lake every weekend, this town is for you. If you want something more in your life, you'll have to leave.

I've been told by a couple of people that I shouldn't give up on my dream to move to Canada. In the last couple years, I haven't thought about it, but lately, I've been thinking about how happy I am there, and maybe I shouldn't give up on moving there. Don't know how, don't know when, but this humorless, boring town is sapping my energy.

Kon'nichiwa

2011-03-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I've had more views of my blog from Japan than any other country. Thanks for reading!Or, Yonde kurete arigatō!

Trying to Make a Change

2011-02-23T21:50:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of tired of the way things are going in my life, so I'm trying to make changes. One of them is trying to exercise more. I'm really kinda tired of being overweight. I think there's also something going on with my digestive tract, and hopefully I can find a doctor to figure out why I sometimes throw up in the mornings while I'm having a bowel movement. It's a little bit distressing.

On a more positive note, I'm trying to eat better, although I've had some bad sugar cravings lately. I've been piling on the chocolate. However, when I got on the scale this morning, I only weighed two pounds more than I did the last time I was on the scale, so that isn't bad. It certainly could be worse.

I try to have realistic expectations. I will be okay if I don't get back to my high school weight of less than 120 pounds. If I can lose 30 pounds, that will be something. The problem will be finding the time to exercise. I actually do like moving around, it's finding the time to do it. Sometimes I get frustrated with work and I get mad and say, "fuck it" and eat what I want. But hopefully, things will stay fairly calm and I'll get my lunches consistently instead of not having time to sit down and eat all day.

But what is spurring me on to make changes is seeing my friends and acquaintances. Most, if not all of them, are fat. I went out the other night, and I noticed that of the other women at the table, I was the thinnest. And considering I could stand to lose 40 pounds or so, that's saying something. The men at the table were all fat, some morbidly obese. And one was complaining about the so-called new regulations for truck drivers. Supposedly, they can't be more than 240 pounds and their blood pressure has to be under a certain number. I don't know if this is true, but one of my friends says she's heard drivers talking about it. The complaining guy was easily obese. The problem with Americans is that they value their "freedom," but once that freedom gets them into trouble, they want to be bailed out. If you eat whatever the hell you want, and don't bother to exercise, if you hit 400 pounds, is society obligated to help you out?

I've got a friend who is in poor health; he is in and out of the hospital frequently. I feel bad for him. He's a year younger than I am, but if he sees 50 I will be surprised. However, ever since I've known him, he has been morbidly obese. And right now he is miserable. Add smoking to the equation, and things get even worse.

So even though I'm fat, I'm kinda sick of looking at fat people. Because I'm surrounded by them. If I hang out with friends, all we do is eat and drink. Forget about getting out of the house to play laser tag, or go skiing, or even for a winter walk. Even when it's nice out, it's pointless to get them to do anything besides a cookout.

Fat isn't healthy. It just isn't. Being a little chunky is one thing, but flat-out obesity is starting to bug me. I may have to struggle with my weight, but even if I only lose another five pounds, I want to be able to jog at least a half-mile without collapsing. I can do that now, but I don't want to get any heavier.

Some Thoughts on 2010

2010-12-24T16:23:00.000-08:00

I spent Christmas Eve doing some last minute shopping with a friend. Id’ stopped by her house to drop off her gift, and she made a comment about having to get a gift. I said she’d better hurry, because it was five to three. She asked if I wanted to come along, and we spent a pleasant couple hours looking at stuff. I got home and put everything away and I got ready to go for a walk with Daphne.
Then there was a knock on my door. A truck was parked in the driveway and I figured it was a neighbor. No, it was a scraggly looking guy who gave me an ornament. “It’s a light for your tree,” he said. I took it, reluctantly. Never mind that you can’t see my tree from the front windows. He asked me if I’d seen something out at Village at Coventry, and I said no. While he was talking nonsense, I discreetly locked the screen door.
He left, and I waited to see if he would visit any of my other neighbors. No. He backed down the driveway and drove off.
Nothing happened. I’ve got a rather run-of-the-mill ornament. But my paranoia reared its ugly head. Who was this guy? And why did he decide I needed an ornament? And what if, when I reached my hand out the door to take the ornament, he’d grabbed me and abducted me? This shit happens. This guy is probably harmless, but I thought it was weird.
Earlier, my friend had asked me if I’d been on any dating sites. I told her I hadn’t. With my work schedule, I can’t imagine anyone would be interested in dating someone without a set work schedule who works pretty much all the time. When I’m off my day job, I do prep for my other job. I told her I didn’t feel like I would meet the kind of guy I want, until I turned into the kind of woman that the kind of guy I want, wants. To be honest, I’m more concerned with my career right now. And my health.
But getting back to the dating thing: I attract strange men. Even in the comfort of my own home, I am a magnet for weirdoes. I am scared to date. I can understand zany, funny craziness, but randomly driving around handing out ornaments and saying they’re “lights”? Asking me if I’ve been to a shopping center across town to look at something? Uh, no.
It’s been a busy, eventful year. Time seems like it goes faster and faster each year. And I feel like I don’t make any real positive steps in the direction where I want to go. Oh well. It’s not been a bad year. It could have been better, but it also could have been worse.

Crappy Gift Ideas 2010

2010-12-23T09:20:00.001-08:00

What I did on Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T17:49:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEaBIvP65cA

Half-hearted Political Rant

2010-09-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

People are extremely pissed off about the political situation in the United States. Democrats hate the Republicans, Republicans hate the Democrats.

Listen up people—you will be much happier once you face the facts: America is fucked. NAFTA has destroyed the manufacturing sector. Globalization of business means you will not have a job if someone overseas can do it cheaper. And make no mistake about it: they can, and they will. Millions of Chinese will work six or seven days a week, 10-12 hours a day, for 60 cents an hour. There’s no way we can compete with that. I would not be surprised if the teaching profession is outsourced—give each kid his own computer in school and have the lesson taught by someone in India. Security guards? They’ll be replaced by codes punched on a keypad, or by door cards and cameras. Low-paid technicians around the world are reading your ultra scan results. My advice is learn to do something that has to be done here. Learn to mop. Be a carpenter. Become a surgeon. Not everyone can do these things, or is willing to do these things. They can learn to operate a French fryer or wrap tacos. You’ll be low-paid, but you’ll have a job. So shut up and get used to it.

As for politics, there is no one party that’s going to fix things. We need a full scale revolution. An overthrow of the government. But it won’t happen, because everyone is too fat and lazy. A million people liking an “Overthrow the Government” page on Facebook isn’t going to do shit. Fuck Facebook.

Both major political parties are jokes. Everyone in politics has their own agenda. That’s why they are in politics. If their agenda happens to match yours, and they manage to change things, then you’ve lucked out. Politicians can’t make it in the private sector. That’s why people run for office. They have an agenda, or someone they know does. I’m ashamed to admit I ran for city council a few years ago. I was talked into it by an ex-boyfriend. I tried to get out of it, but I either had to commit a felony, or move out of state. Neither one was an option at the time, so I halfheartedly started a blog and asked people what they’d like to see in downtown Fort Wayne. I got some interesting responses, but that’s all I got. I never really went out and campaigned or did fund raisers, because I really felt I shouldn’t be running. Ironically enough, on election day, I ended up with more votes than my (then) boyfriend did, and it pissed him off to no end.

I ran as a Libertarian, which is a story in itself. Every so often I see a letter to the editor saying it’s time for a third party. We’ve had a third party for quite some time, unfortunately, they are just as fucked up as the other two. The Libertarians appear to have some problems—number one, no one really seems to be able to figure them out. They are socially open minded. Some of them want to legalize drugs; a majority of them appear to not care what you do, as long as you don’t ask for help from anyone, particularly the government. They don’t care what kind of lifestyle you lead; feel free to be as amoral as possible. However, the Libertarians seem to have a bug up their butt about spending money. Libertarians have to be the cheapest people on the planet. There’s nothing wrong about being frugal; I’ve changed my spending habits over the past year or so and I try not to buy unnecessary things. But—the Libertarians, by their very frugality, should be the richest people on the planet. Yet no one really seems to realize they exist, until you hear that a dominatrix happens to be running for state rep on the Libertarian ticket. Or they get someone like Howard Stern to run. Libertarians are in dire need of some positive public relations. If that means hiring a PR firm, so be it. But when you run whack jobs on the ticket, you shouldn’t be surprised when people roll their eyes when you say you’re a Libertarian. They’re going to expect you to be a gun-toting, drooling, militia member. Libertarians are like the guy at the singles’ dance who appears to be rather normal, until you realize he’s wearing green, red and white plaid pants with a lavender paisley shirt and Crocs. He may even sound rational if you go up and talk to him, but his outfit makes you wonder what the hell he’s thinking. So it is with Libertarians who also think everyone is perfectly able to take care of themselves. It’s obvious Libertarians don’t work in social services. Has any Libertarian told some severely handicapped 18-year-old kid confined to a wheelchair, with his head permanently rolled to one side who has an IQ of perhaps 35 that he’s going to have to get a job and support himself once he graduates high school? Has any Libertarian spent some time in a group home for mentally challenged adults? Have they spent time in a nursing home? Libertarians all seem to think that everyone is 35 years old, perfectly healthy, has a successful business (because working for someone else is for pussies) and can pay for their own private health insurance (because pre-existing conditions are for pussies) and makes at least $20,000 more than their state’s median income level. It will take a long time before Libertarians are taken seriously, because they need to stop nominating people like Howard Stern, people who are into “alternative lifestyles” and people like me. I’m pro-people, which probably makes me a socialist. I want people to have enough food, adequate shelter, access to education and health care, and not have to worry so much about stuff. I’d like to erase the resentment of sick people in this country. I’ve actually heard people say the way to deal with the health care situation in the United States is simply, “don’t get sick.” Tell that to the parents of a five-year-old girl, recently diagnosed with cancer, who don’t have health insurance. Tell it to your 26-year-old son, who is unemployed, who got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

It should be obvious to everyone people who run for office can’t make it anywhere else. If politicians really wanted to work for the good of the people, they’d find a way to support themselves while in office. Either they’d get contributions from people, or they would be wealthy enough to work for change without taking taxpayer’s money, but then it might backfire, ensuring that only rich people would get elected. The rich can buy politicians, which is why they no longer work for all of us, just some of us.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. But I don’t look to the future with anticipation and joy. How long will it take until we run out of cash, out of jobs, out of housing, food and resources? How long will it take until we truly want to take back our nation? We’re like the frog in the pan of water. As the heat gets turned up, we get used to it. But we’re too dumb to realize we’re getting cooked. Is voting truly the way out? Not when your candidates are already hand-picked for you. And they are.

My Latest Video Effort

2010-08-30T21:04:00.001-07:00

I'm Okay, but You're Not, and You're a Piece of Shit, Too

2010-08-21T01:52:00.001-07:00

I know I haven’t written lately. Not that anyone actually reads this blog, but I’m realizing some things about myself. I haven’t liked people for years, but more importantly, I don’t know how to handle the shittier ones. You know the ones—subtle put-downs, flat-out condescension, aim for your heart nasty remarks. I deal with that at one of my jobs. It gets kind of annoying, because of course, if I treated these people the same way they treat me, I’d be written up, or fired.
I never learned how to stand up for myself, or be assertive, without going all serial killer bitch on someone. I either get walked all over, or people threaten to call the cops on me. It’s never a happy medium. I’m shocked when people are rude to me. Then, while my jaw is still on the floor, these bitches/bastards walk away, leaving me to wonder what the hell just happened.
I’ve been getting annoyed at work, and I’ve been letting it show. The same story—having to do a task, but needing a co-worker to help me. Everyone is overworked, as it seems lately there is only one person in each department at almost any time. You’re lucky if you get an hour overlap, when there’s actually two people in a department. So of course I got yelled at for not getting something done, but I actually did need a co-worker to perform a very important task with me—had I not gotten this co-worker to help me out, and had I attempted to solve the problem on my own, I would have been fired. Too complicated to go into now, but trust me on this. Even though it was my department manager who got on my case, when I asked him for help, he refused.
I’m near the boiling point right now. I’m angry, frustrated, and just want to smack some people right now. My mouth has gotten me into trouble before, and I won’t be surprised if it happens again.
For several years, I hated men with a passion. I never dated. I want them to act the way I want them to act, but they are not wired to act that way. So if I want male companionship, I have to be okay with the fact they don’t really want ME, they just want my vagina and boobs. It’s getting so I’m really hating men again. And, like years ago, I’m having a hard time explaining it to people. Treat me with kindness and respect, okay? Only we are not living in a sane, rational, mannered world. Today’s culture and attitude makes me wish I had millions so I could run away. And I would, too. At this point, I don’t think it would be hard at all to just take off and really not see my friends again. Maybe that sounds harsh, but when your “friends” flat out put you down, say nasty things, make you look stupid for their amusement, you begin to wonder if human contact is worth the effort. Lately, for me, it’s not.

Courtesy of the Wayback Machine

2010-07-23T22:52:00.000-07:00

The following is an article I wrote for a 'zine I published years ago and decided to put on the web. From time to time, I will put these up. Sorry I haven't written in a while. My life got super-crazy in late May, and work was frustrating and atressful. Things have settled down a bit.

Some thoughts on September 11, 2001

Oh my God, what have they done to the town I loved so well?

from the Irish folk song, "The Town I loved so well"

It was just another day for me. I got up in the afternoon (give me a break, I work nights) and went to the bank. While waiting for my business to be transacted, I saw someone walk by with a stack of newspapers. I saw the headline was huge, but couldn't actually read it. After I was finished at the bank, I walked over to the newspaper display. The morning paper had some mundane headline. "What's going on?" I thought. The elderly greeter pointed out a stack of afternoon papers on the table.

And that's when it stopped being just another day.

The headline said it all: Terrorists Attack U.S. It didn't seem true, but this wasn't April Fool's Day. It was September 11, my parent's 47th wedding anniversary. The day my certificate of deposit matured. And it was the day unthinkable acts happened.

Copyright ® 2001

The World Trade Center, gone. I'd been in tower two, some 14 years ago. I had the pictures to prove it, too. I scrambled to find them. I had to prove to myself that the World Trade Center HAD existed. The pictures showed a variety of scenes: looking out from tower two to tower one; looking down at lower Manhattan; looking up at the twin towers from the plaza that separated them; a shot of a homeless person snoozing in the tower two lobby. And it was all gone.

The crash at the Pentagon rattled me too, for a different reason. That's where the military is. Didn't they know it was coming? But of course not. Why would they? The hijackers plan, as described by a bank patron, was "brilliant." Use American commercial airliners to take out symbols of American wealth and power. And as we found out later, use American know-how (in the form of aviation schools) and a lax security system to do it.

I didn't have to go to work that night. I'd called in, and as a result of the airports being closed, it meant not much work to do. I stayed glued to the television that night,; my only break being a walk that I took with my dog.

And the images played over and over. It was an action-adventure movie come to life, only without Steven Segal, or Arnold Schwarzenegger to the rescue. It was Dan Rather apologizing profusely for the language used in an amateur videotaping of the second crash. It was the "did that really happen" feeling when footage of the first crash, taken from filmmakers doing a documentary on firefighters, was shown. It was more amateur video from a closer location showing the second plane going into the south tower.

People falling from the buildings. That got me the most, I think. Imagine going into work, you're sipping your coffee, when all of a sudden, there's a plane coming right at you. You figure you're going to die either way. Burn to death, or jump?

The sadness of it didn't really hit me until the Thursday after. Coming out of work, the music of "Rhapsody in Blue" filled my mind. That piece of music, more than any other, personifies New York to me. And I was thinking of the city I loved so well, subjected to this. I started to cry.

Anger and paranoia set in

I got mad and scared. We couldn't have seen this coming. These men had lived in the U.S., had kids and wives and still felt duty-bound to obey some madman thousands of miles away. After leaving the disgusting despair of a third-world country, how on earth could they live in the U.S., in comfort and safety, and do this? Get rid of them, I thought. Deport every middle easterner who doesn't have citizenship. Get the Taliban out of Afghanistan. And get bin Laden and whoever else is involved in this and don't even give them a trial. Just execute the sons of bitches.

But that isn't what America stands for. After I cooled off, I started to feel a bit sorry for the peaceful Islamic followers who were horrified by this attack, as were millions worldwide. There are fanatics in every religion, I guess, but most Americans tend to associate the word "fundamentalists" with the word Islamic before it. A handful of Christians may blow up abortion clinics from time to time, but would they pull something like this? I hope not.

Retaliation? Yes.

A pen pal in Brazil and I have been writing for over 10 years now. We communicate by email, it's so much quicker and cheaper. He'd hoped that the U.S. wouldn't retaliate with force, but I said it was impossible to think that they wouldn't. The attack was probably the biggest "fuck you" it had ever received. Taking OUR planes and attacking OUR buildings on OUR own soil. It was a matter of time that we'd strike back. And we'll get struck back. Maybe not next month, but maybe next year.

It's an impossible situation to deal with. Talk show hosts have discussed closing the borders. But that won't guarantee safety either. Two of the terrorists had lived in the states for years. How were we to know what they were going to do? How do we know what anyone is going to do in the future? If we did, we wouldn't have any crime.

As I write this, the Taliban will probably surrender. As cities are freed in Afghanistan, men are shaving their beards, women are taking off their burqas. To all you peaceniks out there, just stop and imagine this: Imagine living in a country so oppressive you couldn't wear what you wanted or do anything that was the least bit out of the ordinary. If you walked too fast, you would be beaten. THIS is what it was like under the Taliban. They are a bunch of assholes. Now, imagine if they took over the U.S. Would life be worth living? I think not. I logged on to the Revolutionary Afghan Women's Association website (www.rawa.org) before going to bed one night and I had a nightmare. The Taliban had taken over the city or the state or maybe the country and I had to sneak out of my own house to escape. That's pretty disturbing, as I felt in my dream I couldn't trust anyone or anything. My niece has dreams of killing Osama bin Laden. Jesus, it's really fucking sick and frightening to think little American kids are having bad dreams about someone thousands of miles away.

Proud to be an American?

I have mixed feelings about the acres of flags flapping around town. I cringed when I heard Arabs referred to as "sand niggers," "ragheads," and other unflattering names. I saw people out to make a buck, selling bin Laden on a t-shirt, with crosshairs superimposed over him. I watched part of the concert for New York, taking in James Taylor's set. I watched Michael J. Fox introduce some members of the police and fire department, the latter being booed for reasons I'm still unsure of. I watched Mike Moran tell bin Laden, "You can kiss my royal Irish ass. Remember my face, bitch." Poor Michael J. looked a little embarrassed. And I'd had enough. I resumed channel-surfing.

I believe I live in the greatest country in the world. But our foreign policy sucks. We've provided support in some way, shape or form to several terrible people in the Mid-East. And bin Laden was one of them. Remember the Soviet-Afghan war? Guess who we supported? Guess who won? And now, bin Laden is on our most-wanted list. Despite giving aid to him to help defeat the Soviets, he still hates America and everything it stands for. Freedom. Mobility. The opportunity to become a millionaire. Or president. Opportunities for women to dress, think, educate and act as they please. And, until Sept. 11, a relatively safe country to pursue those ambitions. Lower Manhattan resembled a war zone that looked like it had been beamed in from Bosnia. But here it was, about 750 miles away.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani refused some moolah from a Saudi rich boy, after he'd suggested that perhaps the attack on the World Trade Center was a result of our Mid-East policies. That's only part of the reason. We back some real assholes there and around the world, and people in those resent it because it makes their lives miserable. And wouldn't you be a bit pissed if you were living in a country where the dictator was educated and funded by the U.S.? Especially if that dictator executed people just for disagreeing with the government, or had several rich friends that didn't want to have any poor people living near them. If that dictator took your land away, which represented a livelihood for you and your family and gave it to an American corporation, say McDonald's, you'd be upset. Particularly if the cattle which are now grazing on your land weren't going to end up as hamburgers on your plate.

On the other hand, the U.S. has done a lot of things that other countries wouldn't, or couldn't. Like bailing out Europe and Japan after World War II. Sending aid to foreign countries. Or trying to push back an invader in a foreign country. Does Vietnam ring a bell? For you younger types, remember the Gulf War?

Copyright ® 2001

The U.S. government seems to have a split personality. We see ourselves as the good guys, regardless of what we do. But take away our oil, and we are screwed. As much as we may resent the Middle Eastern countries, their culture and their religion, we need them. I think the U.S. will continue to be hated in the Mid-East, even if we pull out of Israel and say, "you're on your own." I don't think anything will stop terrorism, as long as there are fanatics in the world, but cutting our dependence on foreign oil will be a step in the right direction. As much as some people claim to hate the "ragheads," without them and their oil, those patriotic Americans wouldn't be driving their gas-hogging SUV's and pick-up trucks. And they drive them. And these people aren't willing to put their resentment where their feet are. Now is the time when we really should be developing and researching alternative fuel sources. The less we are dependent on Middle Eastern oil, the less power they have over us.

What next?

Then, we had Anthrax to worry about. As if the terrorists hadn't given us enough to deal with, springing an attack on a country on the edge of a recession, we find out our mail isn't safe either. Thousands of jobs disappeared when the airlines were grounded. I imagine tourist areas are hurting too. As an extra kick in the ass, Anthrax was mailed to some prominent people. The U..S Postal Service lost two employees. Sick humorists and those who dislike the post office might be gloating over the fact that the latest postal deaths weren't caused by gunfire. Talk about your dead letters. These were deadly.

And adding insult to injury, just two months and one day after the World Trade Center attacks, an American Airlines jet crashes into a middle-class Queens neighborhood. Several firefighters and police officers live there, and going to funerals and memorial services seemed like a never-ending chore. Now, a plane crashes where several firefighters and police officers had lived before they died in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks. More bodies to account for, more wreckage, more images of flames and smoke. Can we take much more of this? The local airport and the President, as well as others have been trying to coax reluctant tourists back into the air. While I don't believe the plane crash was a terrorist attack, it is just another thing to freak the American people out. The terrorist attacks pushed us over the edge into a recession. The airlines are dying. And this latest crash isn't going to help.

Am I scared for the future? In a general sense, yes. There are many people in the world who are more powerful than I am. Governments are currently at work, torturing, killing, oppressing and experimenting on their own people. They're working on annihilation of cultures and countries they feel are inferior to their own. There's very little I can do about the situation. I didn't ask to be alive in this day and age. The only thing I can do is enjoy my life. Do the things I am capable of. Do nice things for others. Because people essentially haven't changed. They are still cruel and do horrible things. The only differences between cruelty now and cruelty in the past is that today we are more sophisticated in our destruction. Plus, we have CNN to report and spread the news about the latest atrocities around the clock.

I don't have any solutions. But life can change so much in minutes, even seconds. I don't condone going on a robbing or killing spree, but reevaluate things in your life. What's more important: that extra overtime you are offered, or spending a quiet evening with your loved ones? Okay, so you hate your family. Hopefully you have friends or a hobby that you enjoy. So enjoy them. Because tomorrow may never come. Or if it does, it might be your last.

My Most Successful YouTube Video Yet!

2010-05-22T18:13:00.001-07:00

You like it! You really like it! The Souder video has had the most hits of any of my videos! Thanks for watching!

Mark Souder Fucks Up. Literally.

2010-05-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

I realize it's been a while. But work has been insane. INSANE! But I've still got my creative juices flowing. Thank you, Mark Souder, for making LOTS of people happy today.

Trying this again

2010-04-19T21:29:00.001-07:00

Lipoma on My Shoulder!

2010-04-19T21:26:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sase4MCjo_0

Made a video about the tumor I had on my shoulder.

And Isn't it Ironic...?

2010-03-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

Before I made my first delivery today, one of our customers who comes in every single morning said he refuses to shop at Meijer, because every time a new location opens up, demonstrators are out in front of the store saying Meijer isn't union, the pay is low and so forth. The customer said, "unions are communist." A co-worker said, "unions once had their place in this country, but not anymore."

This customer, probably a contractor, has a job that allows him to shop every single day. No doubt he bills the customer for this time. No doubt he probably has a set schedule to his days, either working eight hours a day, or perhaps 10, but I'm guessing there's a quitting hour for him, and he decides that.

My co-worker probably got a 15 minute break two hours after she clocked in; probably took her hour lunch about four hours after she clocked in. She might have eaten during that hour; she might have run a few errands, grabbing a bite to eat while driving, or perhaps she sat out in the parking lot and napped, or smoked a couple cigarettes. Two hours after lunch give or take a few minutes, she probably got her afternoon break. And two hours after that, give or take a few minutes, she probably clocked out.

Today, I worked 11 1/2 hours without a break or lunch hour. I ran into problems at almost every stop today, causing further delays. I came back and unloaded my truck by myself. I had a couple people push some heavy appliances onto the cart so I could get them put away. I also took the trash out of the truck without any help. On top of that, I have a cold. I did some paperwork, but realized it would take another half hour to fill out a piece of paper that I'm going to have to do, so I put it off. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll probably get yelled at for that, but after such a long day, no breaks at all, my math skills are less than zero. Due to some sort of policy, I almost had to wait after I clocked out to LEAVE MY WORKPLACE. Yes, that's right. After a certain time of day, if you are clocked out, you have to wait to leave. A co-worker let me out. I hope she doesn't get into trouble for it.

So it's ironic, that both co-worker who agreed with the customer that unions are bullshit, communist, socialist and for faggy wimps, probably got to go home at a decent hour and enjoy a nice supper and an evening where they could do whatever they wanted. After my 11 1/2 hour day, I went home, let my dog out, and ate a couple fistfuls of chocolate while on the toilet. I'm too tired to do laundry, so I'll just wear a pair of dirty jeans tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll find a clean shirt in the morning. I got undressed, put on my sleep shirt, and opened up my laptop to write this. I got home at 9:45 p.m. and have to be back at work at 6:45 a.m. That's nine hours from now. So much for getting eight hours of sleep.

So if you're reading this and bitching about how unions are ruining this country, if you got to clock out after eight hours today, and if you got to take a couple breaks and chat with your co-workers about the health care reform bill, fuck you. FUCK YOU. And do a little research for me, would you? Check out the history of the eight hour day. See how it came about. Here's a hint: The Republican Party wasn't the one who brought this about. No, it was a union. Read up, and enjoy your eight hour day with two 15 minute breaks, you commie socialist fag hypocrite.

My Recent Thoughts on Health Care

2010-03-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not optimistic about any decent health care reform going through this weekend. I'm thinking this way for a couple of reasons. One, the health insurance industry makes too much money and is in the business of making it, not helping you with your health expenses. Two, doctors are not really in the business of making you well; they are concerned about getting you dependent on medicine. How many of you have been given "samples" when you confront the doctor with a problem? There never seems to be any concrete search for the actual problem. Years ago, I had a rash on my hands (primarily my right hand) that never seemed to go away. I went to the doctor, and he said it could be one of several hundred things causing it. He prescribed a steroid-based ointment that was $95 a tube. It worked, but once I ran out, the rash returned. I was convinced the rash was caused by something internal. By chance, I came across a magazine article about candida; I read it and it sure sounded like what I was going through. Bloating, trying to lose weight, skin rash. Bingo! So I did what the article suggested and in a week, my rash of several years was gone in a week. I bought a bottle of supplements ($17) ate the foods the article recommended and cut back on my sugar. That was it. My doctor, on the other hand, didn't ask any questions about my diet.

Now, I've developed another problem. Every so often, I throw up in the mornings when I have my first bowel movement of the day. It's a dry heave, because there's nothing on my stomach. I've tried identifying what triggers it. Looks like Coke Zero is the culprit. Too bad, because I really like it, but now I guess I shouldn't be drinking pop after 7 p.m. Probably shouldn't drink pop at all.

Another thing I'm starting to wonder is, do we as Americans truly deserve health care? I'm not talking about the people born with a certain health condition, although I'm sure some would argue it's not worth shelling out $150,000+ for some baby born to uninsured, poor parents. People are naturally selfish. They want to be saved first, everyone else can wait. So how do you decide who gets helped? Especially when that baby's parents are not too bright to begin with, and come from abusive families. That $150,000 "investment in life" might not look so good 18 years from now, when that fragile baby is now a sneering teenager who dropped out of school and has a pregnant girlfriend.

Okay, so I'm all gloom and doom about things, but you have to wonder sometimes. Crime has gone down, and I'm wondering how much it has to do with legalized abortion. If you really don't want a baby, and are forced to have it, how good of a mom do you think you're going to be? It's the anti-abortion people who don't quite understand this. The newspapers and television are chock-full of the latest stupid parents who have locked their kids in the minivan while they go gambling. Or, they forget to drop the baby off at daycare, and let the kid roast in the car while they spend eight hours on the job. It amazes me that everything is regulated, but any damn fool can have a kid, and all too frequently they do.

Another point about how "deserving" we are of health care: we are all a bunch of fat asses. I've struggled with my weight for decades. However, I've learned some things about nutrition and exercise. I'm not an expert, by any means, but I've tried to do some sort of exercise program. I started exercising on a regular basis again once my doctor cleared me to go back to work after my surgery. I've noticed that I sleep a tad better. I also don't feel as depressed about things after I've worked out and I'm cooling down. I also feel like I've been "cleansed" on the inside. So there are definite benefits to exercise. But I do have a problem with food. I love to eat. I hate to cook. When I do cook, it's excellent. I do eat out entirely too much, and if I've had a hard day at work, I don't pick up a beer, I head for a restaurant. I've realized this behavior in myself and I hate it as much as an alcoholic who realizes his or her condition hates what he or she is doing.

So, the fatness of America scares me. I see people I know who literally waddle, and it would probably take them a good half hour to walk the part of the block of my street that I live on. Doing anything remotely physical with them is a bad idea; no laser tag, or walking around Headwaters during Three Rivers Festival or even Putt Putt Golf. I know at least five people who are morbidly obese. If they live, they can expect at the very least, diabetes and heart problems. And if they go on disability, there's another added expense, in addition to hospital and doctor visits.

And let's not forget the young men who function on Mountain Dew, Doritos and energy drinks. They fill themselves with crap and they don't care, and are proud to tell you so.

So the health care issue is a slippery slope. It's going to cost us. But it's already costing us. Everyone who uses the ER to get treatment who can't pay helps drive up the cost. There are other factors involved, of course, but there's no denying health care is expensive.

Would it be out of line to offer "rewards" in the form of reduced health care premiums to those who don't smoke, maintain an acceptable weight for their height and body frame, those who have lost weight, and to those who exercise (although that might be hard to monitor)? I realize that sort of smacks of "earning your health care" but might make those "Doritos and Dew" for breakfast types wake up a bit. I'd feel better if my tax dollars went to save someone's grandma rather than some 22-year-old video gamer who won't amount to much.

And that's part of the problem. No one wants to pay for someone else's health care, yet we want "the system" to step in and take care of US. I don't think there are any easy answers. I don't think government-run health care has to suck, but it's not going to be perfect either. Still, one has to wonder when you look at other countries and their health care systems. Their populations seem to live longer than we do. That's got to count for something.

Spring Forward

2010-03-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

I still can't get used to Daylight Savings Time. But I'll move my clock ahead anyway.

Years ago, I'd refuse to adjust the clock on the VCR, showing "Indiana time" all year round.

I'm still in my "don't give a shit mood." I've been running more red lights lately, and basically sometimes refusing to do things people ask me to do. It's fun to say "no" which is probably why I really like teaching. If my students don't do the work, I can flunk them and my boss backs me up. Not so much in my other job, where people can insult me and I still have to be pleasant. FUCK THAT!

New Mood

2010-03-08T17:09:00.000-08:00

I'm in a "don't give a shit" mood. Today, some guy yelled that I'd run a red light. Really? Really and truly? Gee, I was in the middle of the intersection, and I had to wait until the fucking light turned red before I could go. Stupid old asshole jackass.

Also, the computers keep fucking up at work; not showing all the supposed deliveries for the day, so sometimes we'll end up with a last-minute delivery that never shows up on the delivery boards that we can access.

It's frustrating. Very frustrating. I'm not caring about a lot of stuff anymore, but in a way, it's liberating. Hopefully this new attitude will help in more than just one way.

Errands, Schmerrands

2010-02-22T19:36:00.001-08:00

Got a lot done today, then came home and sorted through mail from the past month or so. I was so tired last night, I went to be at 9:30. It was an 11 hour day without lunch, but I did manage to feed myself, then go to bed. I hear all this talk about maintaining a healthy balance between work, family and whatever else is going on in one's life, but in my world, there is no balance. I keep wondering if I will die early if I keep on working three jobs and neglecting my body. I'm going to stop right now, because if I continue, I'll be plunging into a depressing missive about my life.

We're Number One!

2010-02-20T18:35:00.000-08:00

I walked into Dollar General after work today and saw a headline saying that Allen County leads the state in chlamydia cases. We're the fattest, most smokingest and now the nastiest in terms of social diseases. I burst out laughing in the store, because if something is bad or unhealthy, we are all over it like white on rice.

It's Been a While

2010-02-14T20:55:00.001-08:00

I have two addictions taking up my time--Facebook and YouTube. I got high speed Internet access (wireless) about a month ago and I am more than hooked. I'm looking at all sorts of shit on YouTube--plane crash videos, music videos, people squeezing giant cysts and pimples (now I don't feel so bad about my skin problems) women suffering from anorexia, Parry Gripp videos...unreal. Then there's Facebook. A great tool for keeping in touch with people you don't necessarily want to talk to (!) but it can be a time waster as well. I don't play FarmVille or any of those other games. I like video games and I played a few on the Playstation2 when I was off recovering from my surgery, but my time is short, and I have to make the most of it. If I have free time, I spend it sleeping, eating, writing, doing creative stuff or going online. Speaking of creative stuff, I finished the parody music video I was working on.

I feel my life is going to be changing again. It's just a hunch, but it seems like sometimes when I try really hard to do something, it's like it's overkill and I fail, or fuck up, or whatever. When I calmly try to approach something, it seems like it works. I worked with a life coach for three months three years ago because I won a contest on a writing website. (I was actually more interested in the $50 gift card from Borders that I also received.) Anyway, the visualization and the positive thoughts I was supposed to think got old after a while. I couldn't make my life coach happy, I picked a diet that she didn't like (Atkins) and I flat out told her the only diet I could really stick to was my "Eat whatever the hell I want diet." However, I can't lose weight on it, so if I want to dump pounds, I obviously have to pick something that actually works.

I don't know if I believe in the whole "positive thinking" movement--Barbara Ehrenreich recently published a book about it--but I do have "hunches," "women's intuition," whatever the hell you want to call it. I am not interested in football, yet the past three Superbowls, I picked the winning team. A few weeks ago, my car needed repairing, and I was positive the repair bill would be more than $200. (It was $700+.) In 1998, I felt that my family would be tested in some way, something major was going to happen to our family. (In December, we found out mom had cancer, but it hadn't spread.) In 2000, I knew my dad wouldn't last the year, and he didn't (he died in August.) These instances don't necessarily mean that I'm right all the time, but I have these gut feelings about certain things, and usually I'm right. Not ALL the time, but some of the time.

Despite my occasional depression, I seem to land on my feet. But I think I need to change my way of thinking sometimes; because if there are some things in life that you CAN'T change, and your perceived happiness depends on the things you can't change, obviously, you won't be happy. I'm struggling a little with that right now. But I'm going through one of those introspective periods in my life, and I think that's because work (my three jobs) has slowed down a bit and has become a tad less chaotic. Plus, I'm feeling better. It's amazing how much better you feel when you're not throwing up every day, and you actually have an appetite and you don't have excruciating abdominal pain. The loss of appetite was weird for me; that plus the throwing up resulted in a weight loss of about 20 pounds (which I've regained most of, sadly). The loss of appetite was due to an infection. Nothing sounded good, and if I did have a hankering for something, if it was greasy, it came up or slid out. So at times I was afraid to eat, because if I was going to be sick, there wasn't much point.

I wish I could talk to my mom. I feel like I've gone through my life madly searching for something; trying hard but failing. I wonder what she'd say if she could talk to me. I'm starting to regret various things and it's bothering me. I wish I could shut my mind off, sometimes. Maybe that's why I work two and three jobs and I'm constantly doing something; listening to music, or reading, or writing, or watching YouTube videos or getting on Facebook or Wiki: the more occupied I am, the less time I have to think about what I would like to do, and wondering if I have the energy to do it, and my financial situation, and wanting to be able to live in Toronto, and so forth and so on. If you're occupied, you don't have time to reflect.

It's getting late (well, it IS late) and I bought a book today and want to continue with it. I hope it will give me some direction for a book project I'm working on. I would like to feel good about writing this thing. Even if I never get it published, I would like to have written something book-length. I keep saying about my various experiences, "I've got to write a book about this," but I never do.

These Are Lyrics!!!????

2010-01-09T19:03:00.000-08:00

Went to karaoke last night and was subjected to “Single Ladies” which I’d heard for the first time a few days ago. This is proof that the craft of songwriting has fallen into the toilet. If I never hear the words, “if you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on it” again I will be perfectly happy. It seemed like 50 percent of the song consisted of those words repeated over and over. I was just on YouTube, and Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance has the nonsensical refrain, “la la, uuum la la, gaga uuum ba ba” or whatever the hell it is.

The song sort of reminded me of karaoke last night; there was a woman who basically was looking at the lyrics but the sounds she made were along the lines of “glarh, blah errrgh ummm rearh arch wah wah.” I know those aren’t the lyrics to “Johnny B. Goode.”

The Boob Tube

2010-01-09T18:37:00.001-08:00

Why am I watching The Bachelor? Sometimes I think I SHOULD pay for cable.

The Swiss Way

2010-01-02T22:13:00.000-08:00

The Swiss seem to have their shit together. They stay out of conflicts and generally seem like they care about things. I'm sure there are some things they don't do well, but looking around at the incompetency I see running rampant in nearly every area that I have to deal with in my life (work, customer service, doctors/hospitals) I'd like to live in Switzerland for a while and appreciate the difference.

That being said, there was something on the national news tonight about modeling the U.S. health care system after the one the Swiss have. Sure, it has flaws and it's expensive. A big part of the roadblock is that everyone thinks nationalized health care will be perfect, but it won't. Even I realize that. But the Swiss realize it too. The report said their health care system was like a Rolex. In case you don't know, Rolex is a very expensive, high quality watch.

Health care CAN be done right. But what I don't understand is why lots of people here are so gloom and doom about it. If America has such smart people, great technology and wonderful engineering, why can't we do a health system that IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD? Wouldn't it be a coup to devise a system that is the envy of those countries who already HAVE national health care? Instead, we complain that it's going to get worse and that national health care will destroy the nation, bankrupt us, blah, blah, blah. The banking industry and Corporate America have bankrupted us already.

And why haven't diet and nutrition been emphasized more? Because we're lazy. Part of it is that health studies/reports are released, and one minute, fruit is good for you, the next month, you need to avoid certain fruits, because they have too much fructose. A former family doctor didn't ask me about my diet when I came to him with a skin rash that I'd had off and on for years. He just prescribed an expensive ($95 per tube) steroid-based ointment. It worked, but when I ran out, the rash came back.

A couple years later, I saw a magazine at the grocery store (and I still have it) that mentioned Candida, a yeast that grows in your intestines. It feeds on the slightest bit of sugar. So I followed the suggestions in the article. I cut back on my sugar, started taking L-Glutamine, ate broccoli, and ate sugar-free yogurt (to bring in good bacteria.) In a week, my rash was gone. If the doctor had asked me about my diet, I could have avoided the ointment just by eating better.

Speaking of diet, I was in the grocery store today when I saw an overweight woman with 12-pack of antioxidant diet 7-Up in her cart. It would have been healthier for her to just eat some fruit, but that, no doubt, would have been too much work.

Americans Are Hypocrites

2010-01-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

So Rush Limbaugh left the Hawaii hospital where he went for chest pains and said, "there is nothing wrong with the U.S. health care system." Well, of course he would say that! If you have insurance or can AFFORD health care, you would think there is nothing wrong...as long as YOU can get the care you need. And the smug assholes who DO have insurance point fingers at the uninsured, telling them all they need to do is find a job that offers health insurance. Good luck with that. The jobs that are out there are either part time (which don't offer insurance) or are "independent contractor" positions, which don't offer insurance either.

I would LOVE to just take away health care from the "haves" for a year or two, then enjoy watching the reactions of people like my brother and sister in law, or my hypocritical co-worker who is against socialized medicine but is perfectly okay with Medicaid taking care of his girlfriend's pregnancy expenses when something happens to THEM.

One would argue that in this country, if you can't afford it, you don't deserve it. So I guess we Americans don't deserve health, because your average woman probably doesn't have $27,000 to pay out of pocket for a uterine artery embolization. I don't NEED a Bentley, which costs over $100,000, but I DO need my health. Being healthy means I can continue to feel good and, from a patriotic standpoint, continue to be a pawn for Corporate America and work, work, work, then work some more to generate income, so it can be taxed, so my hard-earned bucks can fund unmarried women who are dumb enough to get pregnant and whose boyfriends don't want to take financial responsibility.Does anyone think this is FUCKED?

I had a conversation with a friend who is now teaching in Thailand. He knows other Americans who are over there teaching, and they've seen the writing on the wall. America's best days are over. Its citizens are led by propaganda whores on the radio who didn't even graduate college, they think so little of themselves, if they get sick and can't afford care, oh well, if they are hard-working but lose their jobs, and can't find other positions, they are made to feel like losers. It's not the economy, it's YOU. Sure it is. This country is being fleeced, and we are made to feel like shit because we're poor.

On the other hand, although I believe health care is really important, and there should be a bigger emphasis on preventative care, I worry that whatever bill is passed, there will be thousands of idiots who will continue to eat Pop Tarts and drink Mountain Dew for breakfast. Our tax dollars will also have to fund their diabetes. I don't feel good about this, but I do feel that the people who are making an effort should be helped out. But if you know better, and KNOW that you know better, shut your trap and stop complaining about government "intrusion" and take care of your illegitimate child who will probably grow up to get pregnant or get someone pregnant, just like YOU did. I work hard for my money, and I'd rather give it to people who really deserve it, not idiots.

Bangles That Fit!

2009-12-31T17:21:00.000-08:00

For years, I couldn’t wear bangle bracelets because they were just a tad too big for my wrists. The rest of me is fat, but I can encircle my right wrist with the thumb and forefinger of my left hand no problem. Thankfully, H & M carries bracelets in size xs/s. I’m beginning to like this store. It’s like the Ikea of clothing. Now, if Ikea comes to Fort Wayne, I can get cool clothing AND cool furnishings for cheap.

They Deserve to Go Down

2009-12-31T17:20:00.000-08:00

I wanted to pay my post office box fee, so I decided to go to the mall and take care of it there. Only I couldn’t. They said I had to take care of it at the location where I have my post office box. So then I decided to go home and pay it online. Except I couldn’t. How is it that I paid for it online the last time the fee was due, but I can’t pay it now? Even doing a new account wouldn’t help me. So my box will be closed until I can pay it. The post office deserves to go bankrupt if you can’t pay for your p.o. box at any location.

Very Random Shit

2009-12-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

My house is a mess. I was looking for my ink pads today in order to make my own Christmas cards. I found the stamp I wanted to use, but I didn’t have any ink. I looked and looked, but couldn’t think of where I put them. I tried to put all my craft stuff in one of my craft boxes designated for storage. Found all sorts of shit though, besides the ink pads. One thing was an unopened package of Christmas cards, so much for trying to make my own this year. Maybe I still will, but probably not. I may just experiment with the package of blank cards I bought and the colored cardstock I bought too. Damn it! And of course, I found the opened package of blank cards I bought seven years ago for a Kentucky Derby party. Oh well, the ink pads, should I ever find them, are probably all dried up, as I bought the pads the year of the Derby party. I really liked the way my invitations turned out. I actually found one tonight and I’m still impressed by what I came up with.

I used one of my dad’s belts to hold up my jeans (I’ve lost 20 pounds so far) and thought about buying another belt, because I’m running out of holes. What should I find in my bedroom, while looking for the inkpads, but a very nice classic brown belt. But how did I get it? On closer inspection, it’s a Coach belt. It must have been a gift from a friend, because I haven’t purchased a belt in years. Anyway, I have a new belt, and a nice one too.

Another mindfuck was opening up a cupboard and finding popped popcorn sitting on the shelf. How the hell did it get up there? I haven’t looked in that cupboard for weeks. I also found popped popcorn in a kitchen drawer where I keep towels. Only here, there were some little black things that may have been mouse turds. Yuck. I’ve not seen any mice in the house, and I’ve not heard any, which is why I’m wondering what’s up with the popcorn. Especially the popcorn in the cupboard. Can mice climb walls? Because I don’t know how else they would be able to get in the cupboard, unless they chewed a hole in the wall behind the cupboard and burrowed in, but the back of the cupboard is METAL. I guess this is a sign I should throw leftovers away promptly and not leave the half-eaten bowl of popcorn on the kitchen counter.

If nothing else, during my medical leave, I’ve GOT to clean my room. My parents’ room is still a mess, as is the spare bedroom/office, but I’ve got to do something. Tired of living in a landfill.

The Mexican restaurant that took the place of Schlotzky’s Deli has closed and it’s now Ozzy’s Pancake House, or Ozzy’s House of Pancakes. Up on Dupont, beside Scott’s/Kroger’s will be another restaurant, Norma’s House of Pancakes. What gives? Is that the new trend? Pancake houses?

It isn’t bad enough that tattoos have gone mainstream and now grandmas and teens are sporting them, but thanks to Ed Hardy, we have to look at tattoo-like designs on t-shirts, shoes (high heels, converse-style sneakers as well as ballerina flats) and (I’m not making this up) hair straightening irons and blow dryers. I can’t wait for the Ed Hardy double-wide trailer. I mean, isn’t that the logical next step?

A Day Out

2009-12-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

I went out by myself today. I had to go to the doctor. It was a good thing, because yesterday, I woke up with a stomachache and the worst bloating I’d had in a while. Then, before going to bed, I basically threw up everything I’d eaten that day. Dried cranberries, toast, pizza. And I also pooped it all out. I was pretty well cleaned out after I was done. I told the doctor’s office about it, and they seemed pretty nonchalant about it. Flu, they said. They checked my incision, and it looks “wonderful.”

I worked on getting info for another column, after I’d had lunch, then I came home. My moods are pretty up and down. One minute, I’m feeling okay, the next, I’m wracked with regret. As well as worrying about my finances. I’m not the only one in this boat, but I feel like an idiot for getting myself in this situation, and struggling so hard to change it and not having anything get better. Two steps forward, ten steps back.

OH. MY. GOD!

2009-11-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

After dinner tonight, I went to the bathroom. I ate a bunch of fried shrimp, so it makes sense that I'd have to go. So I'm sitting there, and have this sensation that something is going to fall out of my vagina. It's sorta like when you have a tampon that needs to come out, and you know it's full of blood. You tug on the string a little bit, and usually it falls right out.

Well, I had that same feeling, only no tampon. I can feel whatever it is coming out of me, but it's having a hard time. So I sort of stand up, and wiggle, and I feel it moving, but it's not coming out. So I reach for it, tug it out, and end up tossing a four inch long, two and a half inch wide, six inch diameter hunk of dead tumor into the bathtub. Talk about awe inspiring and disgusting!!! I took several pictures of it, because this is the biggest chunk of dead tumor to pop out of me yet.

So My Pain is Funny, Eh?

2009-11-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

Called my surgeon to get a refill on my steroids. They were the only thing that kept me going this past week. I had bad abdominal pain late Halloween night/early Sunday morning, so I indulged. I was told when I got another dose that this was my LAST one. My surgeon said he had three refills, so I should have at least one more.

So I called today, and they said he had prescribed it for three cycles only. So I get the first batch, I get the second batch, but there is no third batch. I talk to the nurse, and reiterate my symptoms (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, extreme fatigue, loss of appetite, weight loss (16 pounds so far) and she just kinda chuckled and said she'd talk to the doctor about it.

They want to do a cat scan, but I just had one at the hospital, along with blood tests, which according to Dupont Hospital, revealed nothing wrong. So why the abdominal pains so bad I couldn't roll over in bed for several minutes? Why the exhaustion? Why the lack of appetite? Why do I vomit a couple times a month on my cycle?

And why does the nurse think my suffering is funny? I wish to hell I'd had some warning I was going to feel this miserable AFTER the surgery. At least I would have known. Yes, I do look thinner, and I AM thinner, but the putty colored ooze streaming from my vagina, necessitating wearing maxi pads 24/7, is gross. It's also causing chafing in my genital area, since it's in contact with this goo and blood and tumor chunks all the time.

Fuck.

Magnificent Obsession

2009-11-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

I know I've been writing about my tumor dying, but I'm obsessed with it and what my body is going through. I had a four week period, and three weeks of abdominal pain, which eventually went away.

However, it came roaring back last Saturday night/early Sunday morning. The pain was so bad, I couldn't move for a few minutes. Robert drove me to the emergency room, where it took a mere four hours to get pain meds. A cat scan and blood work showed no problems. I told one of the nurses I was afraid I had cancer. It kinda makes sense: no appetite, weight loss, lethargy, so I thought I'd better get checked out.

So I took the steroids the surgeon provided for me, and that is keeping me functioning, while bumping up my appetite a bit. I still don't feel like eating much, though.

But my body seems violently opposed to my tumor dying. Mind-bending pain, vomiting (this morning) diarrhea (also this morning) and a stomach ache early this evening made a frustrating day not much better.

The photo is one of the more recent impressive ones of my tumor. It sort of looks like a turd made out of brains, but this slid out of me a few days ago into my toilet at home. I may do a photo exhibit of this and other photos.

Pieces of Me

2009-10-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

I have proof my procedure is working besides the $27,000+ bill that was sent to BCBS. Pieces of my tumor are falling into the toilet every day, two or three times a day. Sometimes they look like bloody shredded tissue, sometimes just white tissue. Sometimes, it looks like crab meat. But the tumor is getting smaller. I keep measuring my tummy and abdomen with a tape measure, and my upper abdomen keeps getting smaller. This past week, I started wearing a belt with my jeans, because they are falling down.

However, this is only one of two good things. I am losing weight because I just don't have an appetite. Also, I've bled every day for more than a month now. Imagine, ladies, having your period for an entire month and all that special time of month entails. Nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, abdominal pains, fatigue, the whole nine yards.

Oh well, this too shall pass, but I wish I'd had some warning. Judging from the size of my tumor, this will probably be going on for a while.

The Rich Have It Bad

2009-10-22T03:25:00.000-07:00

Oh my God. I just saw that executives from seven companies bailed out by the government are going to get their pay cut. I'm really, really concerned. How are those executives that are used to making millions of dollars a year going to survive on maybe $100,000 a year, if that?

It's horrible. Just horrible.

It must be horrible to be a rich person here in America. Having to get used to a cramped eight bedroom house, instead of the thirty room mansion. Downscaling to a Cadillac when that Bentley was just so sweet. Learning to cook because it costs so much to have a full-time, live-in cook.

If you are as concerned as I am about this travesty, please help now! Donate whatever you can to "Elevating the Elite." I've decided to start this charity (although the people I plan to help prefer to look at it as a "consulting group". Please help these people reach the level of living they are used to having. Believe me, you have no idea how much of a shock downsizing can be. The rich are people too, you know.

Elevating the Elite
P. O. Box 10864
Fort Wayne, Indiana 46854-0864.

Your donation is not tax deductible, but I'm sure this sacrifice is a small one to bear. These people have serious adjustments to make; going from $10 million plus a year to perhaps $100,000 a year. As these hard workers struggle to get by on six figures, you can make their lives a little easier. God bless you.

Don't Like Government Programs? Don't Fucking Use Them!

2009-10-10T14:15:00.001-07:00

I got into a minor dust-up with a co-worker about health care. I wore my “Canada” sweatshirt to work, and the co-worker said, “Their health care sucks.” He then went on to say in Vancouver, six thousand MRI scans had been cancelled because they didn’t have enough machines. I said, “yeah, but did you know 18,000 Americans a year die because they don’t have health care?” “Just get a job!” was his response.
He then said something interesting. His girlfriend, who works two jobs, doesn’t make enough to buy health insurance, of course, so she’s getting her pregnancy taken care of by Medicaid.
This is a guy who thinks subsidized health care will ruin this country, yet his girlfriend is getting Medicaid for her pregnancy. Can you say “hypocrisy?”
Listen, you douche bags: if you’re against government programs, fine. But Jesus Fucking Christ, the second you lose your job and your savings run out and things start to get a little hungry and drafty, do not, I repeat DO NOT go screaming, “where’s my benefits?”
I’m so fucking sick of people going apeshit about universal health care, when they are getting some sort of government assistance. And isn’t it hilarious, these oldsters draining Medicare dry, saying, “No socialized medicine! Hands off my healthcare!”? If you’re against food stamps, stay away from the food banks, you fucking hypocrite.
We as a nation would be so much better if we just admitted that we want our share of the government pie. We do. We WANT OUR SHARE. Don’t fucking argue with me, you do. You do want your unemployment, WIC, AFDC, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps and anything else government-funded, like federally subsidized student loans.
I realize shit happens, but why the hell do people who have kids expect a handout? And they do—from baby showers and every other thing they can get, their mindset is, “I’m having a kid. Give me stuff.”
Fuck that. FUCK THAT. F-U-C-K T-H-A-T. I never met anyone in my reproductive years that appeared to be a decent father, or even wanted to be a father. Based on my history with men and my ongoing parade of shitty jobs, I had no business even THINKING about having children. One of my doctors cautioned me about becoming pregnant after my surgery I had earlier this summer. I explained to him that I didn’t want to bring children into this world if I couldn’t raise the kids as well as my mom and dad did with my brother and me. He actually was impressed that I’d given kids so much thought. I said, “Most people act like they’re having puppies: “oh, let’s have a kid! We’ll worry about the bills later! It doesn’t matter that we’re not married and that none of us really have a legal stake in this relationship!”
Not me. Not this bitch. If the government helps you raise your kids, the government has a say in HOW your kids should be raised. I mean, fair is fair, right? If Uncle Sam is providing the check, why the hell do you think you should be able to spend it any way you see fit on your kid?
I’m not against government assistance, but don’t be a fucking hypocrite about it. If you are against universal health care, buy your own insurance, and then if you get turned down, don’t expect my tax dollars to pay for your heart attack. I don’t care. You’re not going to want to pay for any future surgeries I may have to have.
And for God’s sake—pay for your own children. You may be convinced your child is the brightest, most wonderful, sunshine-filled specimen to invade the earth. That thought has only been shared by five or six billion other people. It’s such an original thought. It’s a real safe bet that a large majority of babies brought into this world with government assistance will not become rocket scientists, cure poverty, end world hunger or graduate from a four-year college. Your kid (or kids, as the case always seems to be) will think it’s perfectly okay to get knocked up or knock someone else up. After all, Uncle Sam will pay the tab, because babies are a worthwhile commodity to this nation. They provide more taxpayers. Although, since jobs are being shipped out of the country, they might find it a bit rough to survive. That’s okay—Uncle Sam will pull through somehow. Because probably by the time your kids are ready to go out on their own, Uncle Sam will be owned by China.
And that co-worker? This will be his second child. His first was from a “previous relationship” and they weren’t married either. And the mother of the child was receiving WIC.
I’m proud to say during my economic meltdown of last summer, I did not receive a SINGLE CENT of government assistance, though I did apply for it. I managed to scrape by and feed myself, my dog and my cat by my wits, the kindness of a few friends and taking shit jobs 99 percent of Americans wouldn’t do. And here I am, working three jobs, so fucking kiss my ass.
I am NOT against government programs, but if you are, don’t use them. And take care of your own fucking kids, you lazy-ass, uncommitted assholes.

Not a Very Restful "Weekend"

2009-09-15T17:23:00.000-07:00

Since I am on a rotating schedule at work, I don't have the same days off every week. Because I work two jobs, and I have to prep for the night job, that leaves very little free time for me, since I use my days off from my day job to prep for my night job. Hopefully, I'll spread the work out over a few evenings, so maybe I can actually enjoy my days off.

Yesterday, I did a lot of running around and prepping for my night job. Today, I slept sort of late but not really. I took my car in yesterday, and they were able to fix it, but it cost me $500+. I tried not to freak out about it; I'll be getting paid from my night job soon and I can start replenishing the emergency fund.

My brother came over today and we cleaned off a bureau and got rid of a lot of stuff. I had hopes of mopping and waxing the floors, but I was too tired to do it. I cleaned off the dryer and part of a shelving unit today and put the couch cover back on. I also sorted out some mail. Needing to get out of the house, I drove to Columbia City, then decided to stop into a store to see if a friend was working, but she wasn't there.

It's really hard to work a rotating schedule and get stuff done. Combine that with being tired all the time, and feeling hopeless about the future, and it's all one can do to drag one's self out of bed and into work.

I'm working on my first music parody video, and it's tedious, but at least I'm learning it's better to put the soundtrack in, THEN match up the shots to where you want them. That's really about the only fun I'm having these days. I'm trying to do things to make me laugh. I also have another idea for a video and started getting footage tonight.

We are still looking for actors for our sketch comedy skits that we want to put on YouTube. We'll probably put them on Roomforschemes.com as well.

Ugh

2009-09-04T15:52:00.001-07:00

Ate at KFC, but even though it went down well, it hasn't set well.

Our First Video (Done all by ourselves)

2009-09-04T15:51:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaTCLotfUqc

Clean Pipes Are a Beautiful Thing

2009-08-28T18:48:00.001-07:00

My plumbing problem of the last couple weeks was solved today. Turns out it was beyond the efforts of Robert and myself. Despite using an auger several times, and drain opener and plunging the toilet, a professional came out with a huge, powered auger and cleaned out the line in front of the house.

I've also done a little bit of cleaning. I'm sure that my brother is appalled at the condition of the house, but at least I got him to take some stuff with him. And we did get the front closet cleaned out.

Looking forward to my next day off.

More Randomness

2009-08-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

I would like to collect all my columns in a book and self-publish it. Anyone out there interested in seeing this become a reality?

I would like to blog about work, but I feel like I can't. I may write about it, just not publicly.

I sometimes wake up in the morning, and tell myself I can always go right back to bed when I come home. I haven't really been doing that, but I will start a second job soon (and as tired as I am, I really need the money, what with my plumbing being bad and my muffler problem) and won't be able to do that. I'm nervous about it, but hopefully I'll be fine.

I've been reading James Kochalka's Sketchbook Diaries and crying. It seems like such a cool life--fairly frequent travel, good times, and the kind of existence I'd like to have. Of course, maybe things are worse for him now, as they seem to be for a lot of people. These diaries are from the turn of the century, and I should buy his more recent collections. But I'm trying to watch my money. I buy stuff I need, not necessarily what I WANT.

Ran Dumb Babblings

2009-08-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

At work, I write stuff in my mind, but I've had a strenuous day at work, then came home and did physical stuff, so I don't want to think too hard about writing stuff. I have the next two days off; hopefully I'll get some columns written.

I think whatever health care bill passes, it's going to be a rude awakening for a lot of people. In my perfect world, everyone has health care and the government isn't mean, and the system is run efficiently, but sadly, it's not going to happen that way in real life. Americans want a lot for a little (the Walmart mentality; spent $20 and get a week's worth of groceries) and people will expect the same for health care. I WANT people to have some sort of basic care; I think preventative care is super-important.

On the other hand, we'll have idiots who breakfast on Mountain Dew (somehow, that's becoming white trash America's drink of choice)and Pop Tarts demanding insulin for their newly discovered diabetes. And we'll have people who run to the doctor for every scrape, and their opposites who won't partake of the program, even if they are dying of cancer. Which means Libertarians will have to start eating better and exercising.

I'm in another depressive funk again. Not too bad, but I'm having panic attacks about not being where I'd like to be in life and the feeling that time is running out. But at least I have a job.

What is it lately with lazy men? At one point in my life, I've worked three jobs and took a class at the same time. If I had a business, I'd probably hire nothing but women because women do what it takes. Men will wait an eternity for a job that is "worthy" of their time; women scrap and scramble for whatever jobs are out there, and if stripping or prostitution are the only ways to earn a living, they'll do it. Meanwhile the men lethargically look for work. Men just need to step aside, because there are damn few of them, especially in this town, who are willing to hustle. It's like the wimpy man syndrome of Japan a few years back has come over here.

Speaking of lazy men, my brother is thinking of relocating. It pisses me off; for years I've said there's nothing for me in terms of writing jobs here in Fort Wayne, and was thinking about renting the house out and moving elsewhere. He didn't want to rent the house out (renters are bad people, in his opinion). He pooh-poohed my declaration of "nothing" being here for me and said there were plenty of "opportunities." Well, let me tell you about the "opportunities" I had last summer: delivering phone books and driving an ice cream truck. Mind you, I AM college educated and can write better than probably 99 percent of the people in this town, yet last summer I scraped by like someone freshly released from prison. So why is it that for years I've said there's nothing here, and my brother blows me off, yet when he's finding it difficult to find work, it's perfectly okay for HIM to take off? I wouldn't miss him, but it just makes me mad that MY hopes and dreams are blown off, but King Princey Man wants to bail. I'd have a hell of a lot more respect for him if he'd get both a morning and evening paper route, preferably the bigger motor routes where he could make around $1,200 $1,400 a month. But no, delivering papers is "beneath" him. In my book, if you have a family, and you are a man, and you are not busting your ass to do something, ANYTHING to bring in money, you might as well drop your testicles in the trash. You are NOT a man, and until you get your ass in gear, deserve to be ridiculed.

If you are a Baby Boomer reading this, you didn't do anything first, or better than anyone else. And you're going to die like everybody else. Deal with it.

I hope this recession/depression throws Starbucks out of business. Not that we need to lose any more jobs, but when and why did people think it was economically wise to spend $4 a day on a cup of coffee?

Some of my crazier friends are getting on my nerves.

I look at the people I know on disability (four) and think, "geez, the government pays you to sit around all day, and what do you do?" Smoke, drink, watch cable, repeat. And some people on disability seem very able to be productive, which makes me wonder how they got on disability in the first place, and perhaps we ought to be more selective about the process. I should apply for disability. What's my disability? I don't like being around assholes.

Tomorrow I will measure my abdomen to see if my tumor has shrunk. I also need to go back to Coke Zero. Since my procedure, I've been drinking regular Coke, and I've been waking up at 2-3 in the morning hungry. Also need to put that battery in my scale so I can weigh myself.

My house plumbing is not working right. AND my car needs a new muffler. Since this month started, I've been spending money left, right and center.

Goodnight, all.

The Joys of Publishing

2009-08-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

I was at the library today and the woman checking out my books said she liked my column. I can't remember the last time I got recognized for my column, but it was nice.

Also, I wrote a story about Retroactive closing its doors. I pleaded to leave the opening the way it was. It included a profanity, but I felt it was very necessary to the story, and not just gratuitous cursing.

The story should be up at www.fortwaynereader.com. The name of the article is "Rose Hille is sick of the ...

It Was Actually Good

2009-08-01T17:29:00.001-07:00

Went to the drive-in last weekend and saw "G-force," which was awful, and "Up" which was actually good. "Up" had a fairly original plot, and some touching moments. "G-force" was about guinea pigs that did secret agent work for the government. It didn't make sense that the goverment types couldn't believe the guinea pigs could talk, but the kids who ended up buying them from the pet store had no problem believing they could. How does crap like this get made?!!!!!

I Thought This Video Was Funny and True

2009-07-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3FJwuykNoc&feature=popular

Sung To The Tune of "The Brady Bunch"

2009-07-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

Here's the story,
of a great big uterus,
that was causing some discomfort to this chick.
All of it was self-contained, but rather full,
it made the chick look fat.

Here's the story,
of a great big tumor,
that was hanging out in this fat chick's abodomen,
she was bloated, all of the time, and sometimes had the runs.

Til the one day when the doctor said "enough now"
and told the chick she had to make a choice
either hysterectomy or U.A.E.
And so she raised her voice...

That tumor's lunch, that tumor's lunch
and that's the way U.A.E. gave it the crunch.

Hell's Fucking Kitchen

2009-07-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

Made the mistake of leaving my television on Fox and walked in to hear Gordon Ramsay (why do people with British accents seem to strike terror in the hearts of Americans? Simon Cowell, Anne Whats-her-face from "The Weakest Link) and now the Kitchen Nazi. Red team vs. blue team during the shrimp cleaning challenge. Apparently the ladies lost. I've worked in a restaurant, and it totally sucks. And I really don't want to think about the people preparing my food. I love to eat out too much, but watching this show will ruin it for me, which is why I don't plan to watch it again. Also, I've never seen so many people on a reality show say the word "fuck" so much, but then, it's been a long time since I've watched Jerry Springer.

Schedule, Schmedule

2009-07-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

They messed with my schedule again at work. It's a little disconcerting. Someone suggested I just set up a cot in back so I am at work. That way, I won't mistakenly think I have a day off when in reality I don't.

Truth is, times are tough. Some of the summer help is gone. And the legendary "Hundred Days of Hell" really hasn't materialized. Sure, we've had a couple days where our department got slammed, but if it's this slow NOW, I wonder what fall and winter will be like. Good thing I have a second job starting soon...

Recognition, Writing and The Tumor

2009-07-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today, someone said they read my column while they were eating breakfast. Another person suggested I write about customers. I must say, it's nice to finally get some recognition for my column after ONLY FIVE YEARS OF WRITING IT.

The customer column might be fun.

Only nine more days until my tumor goes on a forced diet. I will be happy if this takes a couple inches off my abdomen. After I saw the size of my tumor, it's no wonder doing all those stomach crunches didn't make a damn bit of difference. I could have done a thousand of them a day and lived on celery and water, and I would have lost weight, sure, but I would still have the tumor, and no chance of a flat stomach.

Yes, It Is A Baby Racoon

2009-07-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

While out and about today, I ran into that famous nature actor, George COONey.

It IS a Tumor!

2009-07-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

I looked at the rest of my MRI films tonight with fascination. In one of the pictures, it looks like I'm pregnant. No wonder I have to pee a lot and I sometimes have to go to the bathroom very suddenly. I've also been working on my Governator accent, saying, "it IS a tumor!"

I Am Gloria's Tumor

2009-07-06T21:08:00.001-07:00

This isn't one of those Rohrshach (or however you spell it) inkblots, this is a photo of an MRI scan taken yesterday morning of my pelvis. That big black blob in the middle is a fibroid tumor. It is 12 centimeters across. For those of you who don't speak metric, imagine a grapefruit. Now, imagine a grapefruit that is a little bigger than normal. Imagine that in my uterus.

We are gonna try and starve that fucker off. Stay tuned.

Into The Tube

2009-07-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

Going for a pelvic scan tomorrow, then a consultation as to where to go next in terms of treatment.

Random Musings

2009-07-01T18:17:00.001-07:00

I haven't been doing much with the digicam lately, but last night I taped a couple things and tonight I worked on my Daphne/Summit "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" video. I need more footage of them. Right now, I'm piecing what I have together, but the timing won't quite be right until I have enough footage. I want to match up some of the action in the video to some of the lyrics. Fortunately, the program I have (Magix Movie Edit Pro 15) will allow me to be precise on the timing. I already have an idea for another video, but will have to wait until TRF in order to get footage.

This cool weather is great on work days. It means if we have to carry something (and we always do) we don't get too sweaty. I wish I could control it so it warms up enough on my days off so that I can go swimming. It does seem really strange though, a week ago I was trying to cope with the heat and humidity, and yesterday I was regretting I wore shorts and a t-shirt. Had to put on a hoodie to feel comfortable.

I like a cool bedroom, so the window is open and the fan is on, so I can snuggle under my comforter. I feel like with the schedule I have now, it's impossible for me to get stuff done, but I have to remind myself that I AM employed, and with the second job starting in a couple months, my money situation will be much better. Even though it's 9:30 p.m., I am feeling sleepy. I have to be at work at 7 tomorrow, and last night I didn't get to sleep until after 1 a.m. However, I really felt like writing, so I think I started three essays/potential columns and should start working on a forth, except my notes are in the car and I don't want to get out of bed.

Yeah, I'm On Facebook

2009-06-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

And I think I actually like it better than Myspace.

Simple Pleasures

2009-06-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

One thing I look forward to once a week is having dinner at the Mandarin on Dupont Road. They have free high speed wireless Internet, so I watch YouTube videos while I eat some of the best Chinese food in town. I have to tell myself to concentrate on small, but wonderful things like this whenever life gets me down.

Gone Too Soon

2009-06-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

I wasn't a huge fan of Michael Jackson, but I was shocked to see he'd died. Despite his problems, he was entertaining to watch and I marveled at his glass-shattering child-like voice. One of my favorite songs of his was "Ben." I wonder if his death will be like Elvis's. You know, Michael Jackson death week, like they do with Elvis in August. Too bad Neverland was sold. It could have been another Graceland. Already things seem fishy with that doctor who suddenly took off. I think there's more behind it than just being tired and underweight.

The Vagina Monologues

2009-06-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

Robert and I went to see “The Vagina Monologues” at the Firehouse Theater last night. It was a good show, very funny but also kinda sad. If you’ve never seen it, it talks about being a woman in an abusive relationships, rants about going to the gynecologist, and tampons. If you want your guy to know a little bit more about what women face, or if you want a girls’ night out, this is a show worth seeing. I spoke with Paul Allen and big changes are coming to the Firehouse. If you want to see the show, it runs again next Friday and Saturday at 8:15 p.m. The Firehouse Theater is at 1245 E. State Street. For more information, call 750-8308.

I Don't Know Nothin' About Makin' Movies

2009-06-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, going to see “Gone With The Wind” with my mother was a torture. The movie is so damn long, and I didn’t really appreciate it.
It’s still not one of my favorite movies, but I popped it in tonight, for some reason. Maybe I wanted escape. I don’t know.
I’ve been paying a little more attention to movies lately, because Robert and I are hoping to do some visually creative stuff of our own. We purchased a digital video camera (our first joint purchase!) and I’ve been fiddling around with some editing software, even though it scares the hell out of me. It’s not the kind of software you can just fool around with. I think it’s complicated, and thankfully, it came with real, honest-to-God instruction manuals, instead of having to view them as a PDF. I’m not an expert, but week by week, I hope to learn something new.
In the meantime, I’m watching movies in a different way. Costuming, music, casting, surroundings… all of these are taking on new meaning right now. We hope to upload some funny stuff soon. Stay tuned.

Sigh

2009-05-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

I got two comments this week on my gray hair. Guess I should just buy a coffin and get it over with.

Blah Continued

2009-05-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

I am still feeling very blah and that there’s nothing worth living for. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. Everything seems like an uphill battle. Tonight, I went for a drive and I went shopping. I’m still not at that point where I can let go of money and not feel guilty about it. I got some good news about my second job the other day, so hopefully I will be earning some extra cash. That’s always good.
I guess I need a goal. I’ve been feeling really tired lately. Guess it’s due to my low iron. I need to start taking iron tablets again, and some fresh vitamins. Better nutrition wouldn’t hurt either. I’ve been addicted to eating out lately, and the only thing I am looking forward to is where to eat when I get off work.
I am also afraid to touch my computer. It’s running slow. Everything got wiped off it because I took it in to get it looked at. I backed up what I could. I had to reinstall some things and I am terrified that my digital videos won’t work on the computer because of some codex thing. I have other software I can use, but I think my best bet is with Windows Movie Maker. I’d rather stick with one program and learn it.
The weather should be helping my mood, but all I want to do anymore is either go for long drives, or surf the net before I go to bed and sleep as late as I can.
People are really starting to get on my nerves too. Right after my mom died, I was terrified, because it’s like “now what do I do?” I realize I based my career choices on what I thought mom would approve of, and never moved out of the house because I thought she needed me. In later years, she did, but I didn’t realize I’d be shooting myself in the foot by not doing more career-wise when I was younger. I regret not moving away when I was younger and trying to do something with my writing then. I guess that’s why I feel like my life is over, and from here on out, it’s going to be nothing but working two jobs, being tired all the time, and then death.
Sorry this posting is so gloom and doom. But it’s what I’m feeling right now.

Garage Sale

2009-05-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

My neighborhood association will be having a garage sale this coming Friday and Saturday. I will be putting some stuff out. I am gathering it together right now, and I plan to have a couple of small bookcases, a couple blankets, some electrical outlets, a corner baker's rack, a small table, an analog television set, a plastic wicker chair, two bureaus, winter gloves and mittens, and a walker. I will probably have lots of other stuff, like knickknacks, some books, some board games and possibly some of my mother's winter coats and clothing. A couple of friends are going in on the sale with me, and I don't know what they will be bringing. I know some gardening tools will show up at the sale. If you would like to know details, email me at GloriaDcolumnist@aol.com. Oh, I'll have some cassettes of big band and jazz, some albums and possibly some CDs as well. Also, possibly a loveseat and a hutch-type thing that would be suitable for storing china or whatever.

My First Rant

2009-05-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

$%^&%$%^%!!!

2009-05-01T19:55:00.001-07:00

I was deleting some files last night, and I don’t know how the hell it happened, but the entire content of my documents file was deleted. I am usually very careful when I delete documents, but the whole thing is gone. My novel is gone. My ideas I created and sent to The Onion are gone. Some of my columns that I hadn’t sent into the Fort Wayne Reader are gone. Fuck.

Talking Heads

2009-04-23T16:36:00.001-07:00

I was forced to listen to talk radio today. If this continues to happen, I may end up buying an iPod or an MP3 player sooner rather than later. I disliked WOWO when it went to an all talk format. I resented WGL for switching to all talk and cancelling my dad's radio show. I started to hate talk radio when my mom called Dave Macy and he made fun of her for driving a Neon. Today, I had to listen to an assortment of talking heads talk, talk, talk, with no solutions offered. My co-worker griped that it seemed that the media had nothing but liberals in it.
Except for Fox News, I responded, without even thinking about it.
That shut him up.
I forgot to also say and Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter, and Michelle Malkin and Cal Thomas and Thomas Sowell and John Stossel. These last two consider themselves Libertarian, but Libertarians are Republicans with a bit of intelligence and more exciting sex lives.
So the next time someone says the media is nothing but liberals, feel free to rattle off the list of names in the previous paragraph.
Of course, I could be fair and list an equal amount of names of liberal writers and organizations, but why would I do that?

Pop Goes The Pimple

2009-04-08T18:10:00.001-07:00

http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/celeb_acne#17470

I suppose this is in poor taste, but TMZ.com has a gallery of celebrities with acne breakouts. It’s kinda fun to see who has pimples and who doesn’t. I must say, despite being broke, it’s inspiring to know I have better skin (on my face at least) than some of these people.

Blah

2009-04-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve only gotten out of bed a few times today—to get something to eat and to go to the bathroom. It’s rare that I have one of these “do nothing” days. But I guess I haven’t actually done nothing. I’ve written and posted something on a writing/social networking site and chatted online with someone who reads my column. But I was hit with fatigue last night, probably from my period. I also put in more than eight hours at my job yesterday, with my lunch break coming at the end of the eight hours. It’s complicated, but the way my job works, sometimes it’s absolutely impossible to clock out midday for lunch. And depending on the day’s schedule, calling a customer to say I’ll be out to his or her house right after I’ve finished lunch is a recipe for disaster, especially if the customer is waiting anxiously for his or her stuff.

Anyway, because I just didn’t want to get out of bed today, I’ve missed a friend’s birthday party. I’ll have to call and apologize, for not showing up, but on the other hand, I did have less than a week’s notice of the event. Robert called about quarter to six. We usually get together on Sunday nights, but tonight he picked up an extra shift, so I’ll probably force myself out of bed to have a late supper, then go back to bed and surf the ‘Net some more. I bought a 50-foot phone cord so I can now surf from my bed, and if that doesn’t turn me into a total bed potato, nothing will.

However, as I looked into the refrigerator tonight, I felt my bottom up near my back, and it feels firmer. That working out I’ve been doing must be paying off.

Make Those Rotten Little Kids Pay For Their Healthcare!!!

2009-03-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

My ride-along needed to stop the other day, so I pulled into the nearest place I could find, which was Low Bob’s in Kendallville. I regretted it when I walked in and smelled cigarette smoke. Okay, so it was Low Bob’s, but I guess I don’t expect the employees of Cap and Cork to be drinking on the job.
Anyway, I used the bathroom and bought a snack. I glanced down at the flyer taped to the counter. It was written sarcastically, asking customers to thank their congressmen for a list of things, like higher cigarette tax and free health care for 11 million children. I thought about saying something to the cashier along the lines of, “yeah, those kids should get jobs and pay for their OWN health care!” but I was afraid the irony would be lost on her.
I thought about how hypocritical we are as a nation. Just earlier that morning, I saw a guy on the news who was giving a presentation to children about now not to become a victim of sexual abuse. He said something along the lines of “children are our most precious resource.” If they are, why did the author of that flyer seem to think that health care for children was wrong?
Because it comes at the smoker’s expense.
A story I read on ABCnews.go.com (http://abcnews.go.com/Health/GlobalHealth/story?id=1266515) said the CIA World Factbook estimates the United States’ rate of infant mortality is comparable to Croatia, Lithuania and Taiwan. Just about every European country is ahead of us when it comes to keeping their newborns alive. I don’t have to mention the fact that they have universal health care plans, but I will.
But getting back to the smokers and their rage at higher taxes. I wonder how many of these smokers have kids, and how many of these smokers have health care insurance. I wonder how many of the smokers’ health insurance covers their kids. I’m willing to bet the cashier who rung me up at Low Bob’s has a totally sweet health insurance plan. I didn’t get a chance to ask her, but I’m SURE she does.
Sarcasm aside, I’d like to point out there are some things that are taxpayer funded, and they don’t all completely suck. Driven on a road or walked on a sidewalk lately? Ever have to use the services of the police or fire department? Did you go to public school? Use a library? Well, shame on you for using these horrible, socalist services and facilities. You should have educated yourself, put out your own fire, shot the intruder and built your own roads and sidewalks. Okay, I’m being sarcastic again, but I’m also pointing out the hypocrisy that runs rampant in this country. Some things are okay for taxpayers to pay for, but other things, like our health, aren’t. Do you know how many people repeatedly call the police, or goof off in school? THEY are wasting MY money! That’s one of the arguments I hear from people who don’t want to pay for other people’s medical problems. Well, someone else is going to complain about paying for YOUR medical problems. My tax money is being used to pay for people on disability who spend their days drunk. It also goes to pay for women who can’t use birth control competently. There are lots of things my tax dollars pay for that I don’t approve of. I heard a Libertarian who was PROUD of the fact he was getting disability. A true Libertarian would scrape by on his own efforts.
Everyone these days wants their cut. EVERYONE. Those who disapprove of Obama’s stimulus plan are the same folks who use WIC. A conservative co-worker of mine mentioned using WIC, which pretty much convinced me that people are generally okay with government programs. They may not admit it. But when they lose their job, they want their unemployment checks. They may frown on welfare and disability for others, but as soon as their ass is in trouble, they are looking for their share.
I wasn’t eligible for unemployment this past summer, nor was I able to get food stamps. One source of income was the shitty ice cream truck driving job (I brought home, after paying for truck rental, gas, and insurance, anywhere from $5 to $40 a day. And the $40 dollar day was rare. I averaged closer to $15-20 a day.) I also mowed lawns for a couple of friends, and did a couple odd jobs for one of them. I think I sold some DVDs and CDs. Imagine what I would have gone through if I’d had a family. It was just me, a dog and a cat. But I felt incredible bitterness and resentment that my college degree, writing skills, typing skills and phone skills weren’t enough to get me a job. If I’d gotten unemployment, would I have languished until the benefits had run out? No. I would have still searched frantically for a job. But maybe the daily panic attacks I had when I woke up wouldn’t have been so bad. I wouldn’t have worried about having my utilities shut off. I did get a little bit of assistance with that, but if I’d gotten unemployment, I wouldn’t have had to get the assistance.
But it was the scariest time of my life.
I’m not opposed to helping people out. But certain people are. Take away a person’s job, savings, shelter and possessions, and I’m sure you’ll find a different person from the formerly employed individual with a savings account and a place to live. But when the jobs aren’t there, the money is gone and you have no place to live and you’re trying your best to survive and there isn’t any help available, then what?
If a college educated woman with a specialized license had to scramble four months before she found a full time job that pays less than $13 an hour, what hope does an uneducated person have? Or someone who was recently incarcerated? Or someone who was sick but wants to reenter the workforce?

Brunette Ambition

2009-03-08T18:45:00.001-07:00

Wow. Four blog postings in one day. What’s wrong with me?

Why Even Bother?

2009-03-08T18:44:00.001-07:00

Friday night, I swept, mopped and waxed the floors, and less than 48 hours later, Daphne pees on the kitchen floor. Twice. I wonder why I even bother trying to keep this place clean. She is housebroken, but every so often leaves a deposit. I found the puddle early this afternoon while walking barefooted. Yum. This year is the year I’m going to try and make some progress in this junk-filled house. I’ve asked my brother if he wants some of this stuff, but as usual, he dodges the question. I’m going to start giving stuff away, or sell it or throw it out, because my house isn’t a home, it’s a giant storage facility. And I would say at least half of the stuff that is here, I don’t use. The amount of clutter is mindblowing. I don’t remember it being anywhere near as bad when there were five people living here. Now there’s just me, and it’s really starting to get annoying.

Arrrgh!

2009-03-08T18:37:00.000-07:00

Daylight Savings Time has started again, and that is really going to screw me up. I slept super late Saturday and today, so now I feel like I’m going to bed early, but I have to, because I’m due at work at 7 a.m. I nearly forgot to change my clocks again. Ugh.

Baile

2009-03-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve been seeing the promos for “Better Off Ted,” and I’m not sure I’ll be watching it, but the music took me back to my younger years, when dad would blare Latin music from the 50’s from the stereo. The promo music is “Mambo Jambo” by Perez Prado, and I happened to have a recording of it, plus “Mambo Number Five” (not the Lou Bega version) and “Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White.” It’s catchy, and makes me want to dance on a beach somewhere with some really good orange juice.

Someone Pass Her Some Midol!!!

2009-03-06T18:57:00.000-08:00

Why are people so concerned about the rich? They are going to be taxed more (we ALL are) but from the sound of ordinary people, the rich are going to be taxed to death and something HAS TO BE DONE!
Who gives a shit about the rich? I mean, there is just SO much to be concerned about with them. They are only making $250,000 a year or more, and God knows, that is a pittance to survive on. I really, really feel for them. After all, if they are taxed on half their income, they’re only going to have $125,000 left to live on in a whole years’ time! That’s hardly anything!
My neighbor was telling me how bad things were going to get and how concerned she was about the rich. “They donate to the Salvation Army.” Oh, really? And poor people don’t? I guess my $10 donation last year didn’t go very far. I also gave to the Rescue Mission and Community Harvest Food Bank, in addition to paying off six of my delinquent bills.
The only reason poor people are concerned about the rich is the same reason people are concerned about celebrities they will never meet. We want to be rich and famous. We are delusional to think that we too, some day, will be rich. The poor freak out about additional taxes slapped on the rich because the poor believe if they work hard enough, THEY will be rich too! Fools!
We are all doomed in some way, shape or form. The taxes will be on the rich, but they will trickle down to us because the rich can find ways to dodge taxes, but the poor can’t. America is going down. This is no accident. All the great empires fell, so will we. It’s all been engineered by the powers that be, and China will take over. Think about it. We’re all fat, we are all on medication. Does that sound like a healthy nation to you? We are obsessed with small electronics that we can’t repair, so when they break, we buy more. We watch crap on television, and don’t bother with a simple phone call to any of our elected officials to tell them what assholes they are, or what we would like to see happen in government. No, we have more important things to worry about. Video games, television shows, movies, music, iPods, cell phones, 42 inch plasma screen televisions, xBox 360’s, PlayStation 3’s, downloads of ringtones, songs, shows, movies, Saturday Night Live skits, comedy bits, text messaging, where does it stop? I guess when everyone is on unemployment and we turn to crime to supplement our food stamps.
So meanwhile, let’s praise the rich while they are still rich. Whatever would we do without them? We wouldn’t know how to dress, or what shoes, bags, sunglasses, cars, or jewelry to buy. We’d have no one to look up to. So let’s all lick the assholes of the rich. They deserve it!
FUCK THAT SHIT! Send rich kids to Iraq and Afghanistan. Let their parents work shitty jobs so they know what life COULD be like. Take away all their resources and contacts and money and let’s see them look for a job. Let’s tell them they are lazy when they put out 20 applications in a week and no one calls them for an interview. Let’s tell them handouts are for wimps and let them scrape along on their own wits until they finally flip out and steal a gun and go on a killing spree. What fun! At least there would be fewer people clawing over unemployment benefits and food stamps.
So if you are rich and reading this, you can lick my ass. You tell me if I worked hard, I could have what you have. I got news for you: the poor probably work way harder at shittier jobs than you do, and they know they will never be rich. If hard work equaled wealth, we’d have more rich than poor. Just about everyone I know would be rich. You lucked out and you know it. There are smarter people, more ambitious people, more DESERVING people who work their asses off, and will never get anywhere higher than mere survival.
Enjoy it! Your time is coming!

This post was brought to you by Gloria, who is currently on the rag. Yeah, fuck you too.

Oscar 2009

2009-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

I just got back from watching the Oscars at a friend’s house, and I’m happy to say out of 24 categories, I picked half correctly. I think that’s really good considering I only saw three movies that were nominated for anything (“Milk,” “Frost/Nixon” and “Australia.”) The categories I nailed were Best Original Screenplay, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Animated Film, Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Actor, Best Documentary Feature, Best Original Score, Best Makeup, Best Sound Mixing, Best Visual Effects, and Best Live Action Short Film.

Not Worth It

2009-02-16T17:46:00.001-08:00

I usually love Family Guy, but last night’s episode was disappointing. Bonnie finally having her baby was nice, but the whole episode wasn’t worth staying up for. That scene with the reel-to-reel tape player was just way too long. I thought about going to bed before the show started, but didn’t. I wish I would have.

My Opinons on Octomom and British Boy Daddy

2009-02-13T16:41:00.001-08:00

A co-worker asked me if I ever wrote a column on pet peeves. I complain about lots of stuff, but maybe it’s time to do a round up of stuff that ticks me off. Because I can’t wait, I’m going to comment on Octomom and the 13-year-old British father.
First off, I know times are hard, but why do people insist on having kids when they can’t afford them? Do people plan for kids anymore? Or is it just go ahead and have kids anyway?
Frankly, the whole idea of having kids scares the hell out of me. Looking at my history, I probably shouldn’t have kids. Health problems, ongoing financial crisis, crappy, low-paying jobs. Where’s my big, fat “thank you” from the U.S. Government or the state of Indiana saying, “thank you Gloria, for not having any kids you can’t afford?” Hell, where’s my thank you from ANYONE? Instead, I’m left out of the conversation when co-workers talk about the wacky, and downright dangerous things their kids do. I try to keep the smile off my face when they go on about near accidents with stoves, cars, knives, etc.
So here’s the chick out in California (figures) who has six kids, but decided that wasn’t enough. Now, she’s a mom of 14 and is already on food stamps. According to some quotes from her via the New York Post, she will be able to support her kids after she completes her masters in counseling. Yup, and I thought I’d make lots of money once I got my commercial driver’s license, so I’d be able to pay off all my bills and then be able to save enough to move to Canada. We all have our little delusions. Whether it’s wanting to write the Great American Novel by the time you’re 30, or wanting to become middle class, we all want something.
And this chick wants kids. Never mind she has a bad back and is prone to depression. She gets disability, and all is right with the world. Meanwhile, there are thousands of couples who are working, sane, and would make great parents, yet can’t conceive. Instead, they wait to adopt babies, placing ads in hopes some unwed pregnant chick picks them to be the parents. Anyone can have kids in this country, which is why you end up with idiots like Octomom.
Then, there’s the 13-year-old British kid who just had a baby with his 15-year-old girlfriend. This is stupidity beyond belief. When asked what he was going to do about the financial side of things, the kid didn’t know what “financial” meant. Oh well. At least they’ll be on the British welfare rolls, and not ours.
Yes, children are a gift from God. Even if the people who are “gifted” rely on high technology to conceive, or are just too damned dumb to know any better. I think we can all agree the Octomom’s kids and the British baby born to a kid whose voice hasn’t changed yet aren’t going to change the world for the better. They’ll be thugs, unwed mothers, or perhaps, due to the state of the world, celebrity do-nothings.

That's Cinncredible!

2009-02-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, I felt the need to consume a cinnamon roll. I had one, but it wasn’t enough. I went to Meijer and tried a “Cinncredible,” a box of cinnamon rolls. They had two sizes there, a smaller one for one person or a couple, and a family version. I have to say it’s the best cinnamon roll I’ve ever had in my life. The icing must have been at least a half-inch thick, if not three-quarters of an inch thick. Cinncredible is only available at Meijer’s. It’s nice to know that Wal-mart doesn’t hog all the stuff. Cinncredible is totally worth it.

A Rare Two-Sport Post

2009-02-01T20:59:00.000-08:00

I knew the Steelers would win, because the Cardinals are not a real team. I first heard about them in the movie “Jerry Maguire,” so I assumed since I’d not heard of the Cardinals in real life, I thought they were a fictional NFL team created for the movie. Since this is the first time I’ve heard of the team since seeing “Jerry Maguire,” I’m still convinced they are not a real NFL team. It’s like Harry Potter winning the National Geography Bee. It can’t happen, because Harry Potter is not real.

Funnily enough, swimmer Michael Phelps seems to be following in the arrogant, stupid footsteps of Mark Spitz. A British tabloid published a picture of him smoking pot through a bong. Nice. All he needs is a statutory rape charge and a holdup, and he’ll almost be a football player.

Much Too Late For Goodbye

2009-01-31T16:29:00.000-08:00

I saw in today’s Journal Gazette that the Acme was going to close Sunday at 1 a.m. I swung by to get a last order of onion rings and a Coke, but they were already closed. Some other disappointed diners who pulled in when I did exchanged words about the closing. It’s sad. The Acme had good food and it was a nice atmosphere. I hope the economy doesn’t take out any more local restaurants, but the way things seem to be going, who knows who will be next? The 412 Club bit the dust a while back, too. I really don’t want my next hangout to be some sterilized, corporate America, cookie-cutter dwelling that looks like every other location in the chain.

Roe v. Wade

2009-01-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

I was just watching the news and they had a report on the anti-abortion demonstration which took place in downtown Fort Wayne today. Several people were holding signs that said “Abortion Kills Children.” Well, so does bad parenting, car accidents, poor nutrition, swimming pools, psychos and freak accidents, but you don’t hear anyone wanting to make any of these things illegal.

Reading Is Fundamental

2009-01-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

This photo of Bush was taken on my last trip to Toronto. Thankfully, there are audiobooks, so if Bush can’t read, he can just listen to the tape or CD. Hopefully, he knows how to work a tape player or CD player.

New Humor Blog Latest to Clog Up FW Blogosphere

2009-01-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

Because I’m bored and need a laugh, I’ve started (well, okay, Robert set it up) a humor blog. Since we are both fans of The Onion, expect funny, fake news stories, misspelled signs and other mayhem. Check it out at www.roomforschemes.blogspot.com.

And He's Outta Here!

2009-01-19T17:31:00.000-08:00

Inauguration Day is tomorrow. Let’s hope that the Obama era isn’t as bad as the last eight years. I don’t expect miracles, but I do expect a more articulate president than Bush. As Denis Leary said (and this is a paraphrase) I want my president to be a better person than I am. Not that the average American is Denis Leary, but I understood what he meant. You want the leader of your country to be able to pronounce words, be articulate, and know a lost cause when he sees one. Or maybe, it’s too late for that. Out of the millions of crappy jobs out there, Obama has to have the worst one. As an Onion headline stated, “Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job.” Funny, but it has a ring of truth to it.

New Restaurant For Downtown Fort Wayne

2009-01-15T17:31:00.001-08:00

Coming to downtown Fort Wayne just in time for the opening of Harrison Square is Peckers, a restaurant catering to female sports fans. “Pecker Boys” will wear yellow Speedos and serve chicken planks, fries, and will offer “lite” fare for sporty ladies looking to watch their weight.
A spokesperson for Peckers says Fort Wayne is an “ideal” location for the new fast food chain, a feminist response to Hooters.
“If women agree to serve food to fat guys too chicken to walk into a strip club, and are willing to work for $2.33 an hour plus tips, we figure we can find men who are willing to wear skimpy swimsuits and do basically the same thing.”
The spokesperson admitted that because of the Peckers philosophy of finding comely, fit men to be Pecker Boys, the entire Fort Wayne staff was imported from more physically fit areas of the country, like Southern California.
“If Hooters doesn’t have fat-ass, ugly women, we feel we shouldn’t have fat-ass, ugly guys,” said the spokesperson. “These men are indeed servers, but they are sex objects as well. We want the ladies of Fort Wayne to be confident they will have quality food brought to them by handsome, fit men, unlike the guys they are married to.”
The spokesperson expects more Peckers to spring up over northeast Indiana in the next three years.

Feel My Pain, Part 2

2009-01-11T19:01:00.000-08:00

I don’t live in an ancient house, but it’s not new, either. It’s very small, so the washer and dryer are in the kitchen. The drain pipe for the washer is in the corner behind the stove. For years, it was draining properly, but in the last year, the drain pipe is draining slower than the washer. So this means whenever I do a load in the washer, I have to listen carefully and run into the kitchen to turn off the washer, let the water in the drain pipe go down, then click the machine on again. I do this about two dozen times per load. I had a friend clean out the sewer pipe last January, and that didn’t solve the problem, and neither did Roto Rooter when they came out two months later, in March. Not even after they had to bring out a special machine that would add several thousand pounds of pressure to blow the crap in the pipes out. I don’t have the luxury of throwing a load in the wash and doing something else, like taking a nap or running errands. I have to babysit the washer, or else the water will overflow the outtake drain pipe and flood the kitchen floor. The house probably needs new plumbing, new floors, new windows and probably several other things, but unless I win the lottery, few, if any of things will happen. I’m still trying to get back on my feet after the worst spring and summer of my financial life. I know the issue will have to be addressed, but I hope it is later rather than sooner.

Feel My Pain, Part 1

2009-01-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

I’ve been feeling dissatisfied lately. I’ve had more time to dwell on it because I’m only working one job. I think part of the reason I try and work two jobs is so I don’t have spare time to think about the way I think my life should be. I’m always dissatisfied though. Nothing is ever enough, and it’s driving me nuts. Things could be so much worse, and I realize this, but I am an impatient person, and the older I get, the more I realize time is running out.

I also feel like Scarlett O’Hara after her mother died. With no field hands to do the work, Scarlett had to go out and do it herself. Realizing she was ill-suited for manual labor, she lamented the fact that her mother basically taught her how to be a lady, but didn’t teach her anything useful. I’ve learned that having a college degree plus being resourceful and working hard doesn’t mean anything anymore. But these are crazy times we are living in. In short, I feel like I’ve been cheated. I did what I thought was right, played by the rules, and I’m still struggling at a time in my life when I should be firmly entrenched in a career. But I’m not the only one. I need to keep reminding myself of that. It’s hard though, when you show up at a temp agency, and the only difference between you and the recent immigrant is that your skin is lighter and you have a better command of the English language. To the temp agency, you are two warm bodies fighting over a job.

I also don’t like the fact that I get bored easily, especially when it comes to jobs. I asked to learn something new at my day job, and I was taught in a matter of minutes. Now, I guess I need practice. I like learning a lot, and I am in a continual quest to learn as much as possible in order to add yet another skill to my résume. I don’t know when this boredom with jobs started. There was one place that I worked on and off (mostly on) for eight years. It was repetitive work, yet the only times I didn’t work there was when I was laid off twice. I came back after a couple months or so. I don’t remember being bored with the job, which I can’t quite understand. There was little chance of advancement. I don’t know if my personal life was so satisfactory that it made up for the job, or what.

Anyway, I am not looking forward to the future with pleasure. It’s crazy times, but there’s a sense of failure that I’m struggling with. There are certain things I wanted out of life that I fear I will never get. My career expectations are falling lower and lower. I need to take pride in some things I’ve accomplished, but I’m hard on myself, as well as others. I’m always looking for “the next big thing,” and even if I get a book published or win a contest, or whatever, I can’t seem to enjoy it. I’m always looking for what’s next. In some ways that’s healthy, but in other ways, it’s not good.

I’ve been dreaming about my parents lately. Speaking of looking for what’s next, I have to say I’ve been looking back to simpler, better times. Times when my parents were alive and life didn’t seem as bleak as it does now. I always assume that things will stay the same and never change. Of course, stuff does change. But I miss the old days of when I was a kid and I really didn’t have to worry about stuff. Deep down, I want to be taken care of. I’m not good with office politics. I’m too honest for my own good. I trust too much. I’m naïve. I’ve been “dive bombed” (an expression I made up) by so-called friends. “Dive bombing” is when I think things are going along well, then they do something that just totally shocks me. It’s usually something downright rude. I’ve basically shut two people out of my life because they did that to me. Perhaps what goes round does come round, because one of them became homeless and bounced from hotel room to hotel room; the other one ended up in a mental hospital and kept calling me, begging to be friends again. Once you cross me, that’s it.

So that’s where I am right now. Tired of trying, but there’s really no alternative. Given up on my dreams. Wanting to be somewhere else, but can’t. There’s plenty to be thankful for, but I guess if you’re raised in America, you think if you work hard and try and do the right thing, you’ll get ahead. That isn’t true anymore. That’s why I see a future for myself working two jobs when I can fit them in my schedule, never getting out of debt, and eventually dying. That’s not the most positive outlook for the new year, but it’s exactly how I feel. Sorry, folks.

Separated At Birth?

2008-12-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

Politicians and murderers, six of one, half a dozen of another? For those who have forgotten, the guy beside Rod Blagojevich is "Preppie Killer" Robert Chambers. Now 41 years old, he's a fuck-up too, just like Rod.

How Sweet It Is

2008-12-08T20:16:00.001-08:00

I filled up my tank tonight for less than $14.

Hope They Were Craftsman

2008-11-30T21:43:00.001-08:00

I’ve been messing up at work, but at least I didn’t lose a $100,000 tool bag. Heidi Stefanyshyn-Piper is in T-R-O-U-B-L-E!!! Want to see the liberated space tool container? Check out the following link for local viewing times near you.

http://www.spaceweather.com/flybys/search_results.php?zip=46825

It Came To Her In a Dream!

2008-11-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

I was at my brother’s house today, and his mother-in-law said she had a weird dream. She dreamed that the whole bailout and financial disaster we’re facing was all a hoax.
Wouldn’t it be wacky if it were?

A Creepy Feeling

2008-11-23T15:04:00.000-08:00

The other day I was doing some cleaning. I dusted off the piano and picked up the urn that my mother’s ashes were in. For some reason, I didn’t think the ashes were in there. I was examining the urn, discovering the top had been sealed on. Of course, in sitcoms and movies, the urns AREN’T sealed, causing some gross, but hilarious moments. Well, anyway, I didn’t expect the ashes to be in the urn, and I turned it upside down. The ashes that I didn’t think were in there suddenly let loose from the bottom, since they hadn’t been disturbed in probably four years. They fell in what seemed like a big lump against the top of the urn, and it gave me the creepiest feeling ever.
Shortly after that, I had nightmares that my mom was dying again. Sorry mom, for disturbing your peace. Or pieces, as it were.

One Reason Why I Don't Answer My Phone

2008-11-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

I’m a little bit sick and tired of not meeting better people. I feel sometimes like I’m surrounded by seriously mental people out to make me miserable. I get criticized for turning the ringer off on my phone and not having my cell phone on. I do it to get peace and quiet. Lately, I’ve wanted to get in my car and drive off. I swear, in the next couple of months, I’m going to treat myself to a weekend away.
Anyway, a former friend is calling me. It’s a hell of a long story, but this is what went down.
This friend supposedly wanted help from me because she had recently adopted a puppy, and was in over her head. She claimed the dog was wild, but she wasn’t. She was just a puppy who needed interaction, training and a yard to run in. My friend had claimed there was a hole in the fence and the yard wasn’t safe to run in. My friend wanted me to take care of her puppy while she went away for a Christmas weekend. She left her kid with her parents while she went off with her boyfriend. I went out into the yard and checked the fence. I didn’t see anything wrong with the fence or any of the gates. I let the puppy out, and she ran non-stop for the better part of an hour. I’ll always be haunted by the way the puppy grasped my forearms with her paws, as if she knew what was going to happen if I left her in the care of my friend.
This friend had kept the puppy shut up in a 2’ x 3’ crate most of the time. She couldn’t let the puppy run around in the house, because the house wasn’t “puppy-friendly” and she couldn’t control the puppy in the first place. The puppy also needed serious leash training, but my friend was just overwhelmed and didn’t want to do anything. She claimed she needed help with this animal, yet when I suggested things she needed to do with this puppy, got all defensive and said, “I’m doing the best I can.” Okay, so if she’s doing the best she can, why does she need my advice?
After I told her that shutting her puppy in a crate for hours on end might be considered abuse by some people, she got mad. She started trashing me on her blog, so I returned her house key. I wasn’t about to hold on to the key, because eventually she would have claimed I stole something. She got upset because I typed the letter that I sent with the key. And if I’d hand-written it, she would have got mad at that.
So she trashed me on her blog, at a rate of about once a week, for four months. She kept baiting me, and baiting me, but I didn’t respond to her incredibly childish attacks. Her rantings were more fitting of a 16-year-old girl than a 32-year-old woman.
Now, she is in the mental hospital, calling me and calling me, saying she “misses” me. She’s wondering why I haven’t returned her calls. Yes, she’s that dumb. You cross me and you can pretty much take me off your friend list, and I will take you off mine. I’ve taken shit from people and have been “dive-bombed” (my term for when I think things are going okay, then out of nowhere, a “friend” pisses all over me) way too many times. I’ve cut this person out of my life as well as another friend who said we were going on a trip once she got her disability money. A week after she got it, she took off with another friend without a word of explanation.
As I get older, I feel like I’m meeting people who are spiraling down. I’m not meeting influential, creative, energetic go-getters. I’m meeting people who are just the opposite. In high school, I felt like my friends in class were the scumbags, the recreational drug users. I didn’t socialize with these people outside of class. I did not have many friends, but they were quality people, one of which I am still friends with to this day. I always thought I was careful not to socialize with people of “questionable” morals or beliefs. But I’m encountering people who have committed felonies, misdemeanors and other crap. I wouldn’t be surprised in the next five years to meet people who are in organized crime, drug dealers, prostitutes, and so on. It’s no wonder I just want to get the hell out of here and start all over again. I know there are questionable people everywhere, but how does someone like me, who’s never been arrested, never been drunk, never been in jail encounter such weirdness? I swear to God, I could walk into a bar with 99 normal guys, gainfully employed, reasonably clean, and not have them talk to me. But the one wacko guy, seriously mentally ill, possibly dangerous, who thinks if a woman smiles at him she wants to sleep with him, will come over to me. My people radar is shot, and I’d rather be alone than surrounded by chaos.

Vindicated!!!

2008-11-04T14:08:00.000-08:00

I turned on the television today and saw John McGauley saying that perhaps the rest of the condo project at Harrison Square should be scrapped and perhaps an Imax theater built instead.

Hmmm… seems to me I heard about some woman running for city council last year who had some interesting ideas for downtown, one of which was an Imax theater, and perhaps unique retail, such as stores that don’t currently exist in Fort Wayne, like Crate and Barrel, Ikea, and Dave and Buster’s.

Oh wait. That woman was me.

Despite one of my critics dismissing me as a “foul-mouthed lunatic” (at first I was angry, but then I was flattered, I am who I am, after all) I’m glad that a local person, AND a Republican, realized that building overpriced condos in a city known for cheap real estate, was a mistake. I couldn’t foresee the collapse of the housing market, and I’m not really smart when it comes to money, but even I know in a city where you can get an actual house with a front and back yard for less than $100,000, why would you spend way more than that to live in what amounts to an apartment in downtown Fort Wayne? Especially when there’s nothing down there. Years ago, in the 1950s, there was stuff downtown, and a reason to go there, but that was before shopping malls took business away.

It makes me feel good that one of my ideas got on the air.

2008-11-03T16:44:00.000-08:00

I went to a friend’s costume party Friday night and went as Sarah Palin. I won “Most Original,” even though my friend didn’t have a designated prize for that category, which she didn’t come up with. I think her mom did. The thing on my shoulder is Zeus, my Beanie Baby moose.

My friend also went all out on decorations, including her porch. However, the scariest thing on her porch, as pointed out by another guest, was the mail in her mailbox.

DST and the YouTube Video

2008-11-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

I remembered the time change Saturday, but then I promptly forgot about it, even though I think I was up at 2 a.m. and could have changed my clocks right on time. Instead, I completely forgot about it. I called Robert Sunday after he got off work, but he didn’t answer. Turns out instead of calling him a few minutes after 5 p.m., I’d called him a few minutes after 4. He called and reminded me about the change. So I changed my clocks. Damn this DST. It’s going to screw me up forever, the same way our garbage pickup day changed and messed me up.

On another note, the previous link is for a YouTube video Robert and I made, with some help from Jeanette Jaquish and Paula Brandt, who also appear in the video. It’s a parody of political debates, with stereotypes of Republican, Democrat and Green candidates.

Now Showing on YouTube

2008-11-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

Yet Another Misspelled sign

2008-10-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

I see misspelled signs all the time and it really gets on my nerves. Why do people think bad spelling is acceptable? With Spell Check and dictionaries readily available, stuff like this shouldn’t happen, especially if you are running a business and want to look professional.

An Observation

2008-10-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

I’ve come to the conclusion that “high quality laminate flooring” is an oxymoron.